the beginning

I never played the ‘what if’ game. I never let my imagination run wild with what might have been. It would have been hurtful, wrong even. What was the point? My fate had been decided. The engineer’s findings told me so. I would have never seen that car coming in time to slam on the brakes or yell out a, “Holy shit!” I was a second too late and a second too early. There was nothing I could have done. Maybe this was already in the hands of God. Maybe I was destined for this crossroads. Or maybe life was just dealing me a shitty hand that week.

How was I going to do this? Could I do it? It was up to me. Nobody was going to do this for me, so ‘what if’ was a waste of time and a dangerous game to play.

This was my life now. What was I going to do with it?

***

“Heidi. You’ve been in a car accident.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“You’re in the hospital. Your leg is gone. They’re trying to save the other one, but it doesn’t look good.”

“Heidi?”

“You’ve been badly burnt.”

“Betty’s gone, Heidi.”

“Heidi?”

My name was a question with no answer. My messenger was Scott, my boyfriend, and he was forced to repeat this news until I understood, as if I could ever understand. I was told later that morphine made my memory hazy, that I had trouble retaining information. I believe I rejected my messenger’s words. They couldn’t belong to me.

The extent of my injuries came to me in pieces, in fog. I saw the wounds on my belly first. My skin was red, angry and gaping. I had smooth skin, a little tanned. It was June and I had been spending some time in the sun.

Why was I so stiff? I couldn’t move my right arm.

There was so much white – white rolled around my arms, white sheets draped over me, white walls.

I lifted my hand to my face. There was something hard and plastic coming out of my nose. I was on my back pinned to the bed by the machines surrounding me.

There was a dull ache at the back of my mind – a memory struggling to free itself.

Car.

Fire.

Betty.

Betty?

Fire.

My legs.

The words flashed through my brain void of images. I didn’t remember how or why or when it happened. Only that I was here, in a hospital, and these words had been given to me, offered up as explanation. I let the words slip through me – one after the other – each word attempting to land, to fit as they grappled to find a home.

To be continued…

This is a start. If you’ve been reading my blog you’ll know what this is about. If not, you can read about me in the ‘about me’ section where I attempt to tell you what it is that I’m doing, although I’m not sure I have figured that out yet. I have to say that I’m clicking submit with some trepidation. Okay, I am freaking out that I’m going to put this out there! I haven’t written my story like this before. It has always been in the context of helping others. ‘This is what I’ve learned from a very difficult time in my life’ in speech form. This is new to me.

Here it goes.

25 thoughts on “the beginning

  1. Dorkys Ramos

    I think you're so incredibly brave, Heidi, and know that we're here with you. It might be in non-speech form, but I don't doubt that your story will continue to help others in some way.

    Reply
  2. Christy

    Oh Heidi I'm sorry you're freaking out about sharing this. I'm glad you're doing it – you're an incredibly talented writer and I hope you find it cathartic. If it turns into a book, I'll buy it for sure. Sending you positive energy and thoughts right now!!

    Reply
  3. Cookie

    Wow Heidi, I knew you were in a car accident, but I had no idea how horrible it was…
    Great writing! You've got me hooked!

    Reply
  4. Linda Sue

    Oh Heidi! You are off to a roaring start! Don't stop! You are a very good writer- I am right there- with you- in you- in your bandages and morphine dream- at that very moment! You are an amazing talent!I want to buy your story and see that everyone I know gets a copy…can't wait for the next installemtn! Well done, YOU! HOORAh!!!

    Reply
  5. karenp

    that was friggin' amazing!!!!!
    omg… heidi..
    HOW- DO- YOU- DO- IT???
    once again… (yes I'm a broken record repeating myself)… u say so so much in such few words.
    i luv it.
    luv. it.
    luv.
    it.
    luv luv luv it.

    Reply
  6. Kate Coveny Hood

    I was hoping that you'd make posting here part of your process for writing "the book."

    I can really feel the sense of being kind of far away while statements and questions come in and out of focus around your cocoon of white.

    Is this hard to write? Or cathartic? Or both?

    Reply
  7. Heidi

    dorkys, thank you so, so much.

    christy, you're so sweet! i think i'm freaking out because i feel so vulnerable in this. thank you for all of the positive energy sent my way…i'm feelin' it!

    cookie, thank you! i'll keep writing as i can, when i can.

    linda sue, man, can i bottle your energy? thank you for this. seriously. thank you.

    karen, should you even be here on this computer? you should be lying in a bed somewhere being waited on hand and foot as you recover. i called you. i hope you're doing better, friend. and thank you. you're like my very own personal cheerleader.

    amisare, thank you! i love your courage too. can't wait to see how everything works out for you.

    kate, it doesn't feel cathartic. not right now anyway. i think i have enough distance from all of this to write it with some objectivity. some. what's hard is to remember all of the small things that happened…the details. i can recall the emotions, but to remember how everything happened and what triggered what is kinda hard. and then finding the right words… does that make sense? 'my cocoon of white'…love that. that's better than how i put it. 🙂 i can't wait to see what you'll come up with next, miss fiction writer. i am loving what you're putting out there.

    Reply
  8. Intense Guy

    You write with such power the confused fog being ripped away by the horrific news can be felt at a visceral level by the reader.

    Please, please, continue to push the publish button as you write more.

    You are an amazing, courageous woman.

    Reply
  9. sugarlens

    I am glad to see you back. Looking forward in reading more about your story.

    Your writing is beautiful and powerful.

    Reply
  10. bernthis

    Heidi I just don't know what to say when I read this except I just adore you and send you big hugs and let you know how incredibly brave I think you are

    Reply
  11. Heidi

    intense guy, thank you. that means a lot to me. i'll keep pushing that publish button. it might be with a shaky hand, but i'll do it. 🙂

    sugarlens, thank you so, so much.

    elaina, thank you for coming on by and thank you for your words. don't you just love suz?? i adore her.

    bernthis, hugging you right back. thank you.

    Reply
  12. Loraleigh

    I feel weird commenting on your blog…I'm not a very public person (I've lately come to this realization….) First I want to tell you I love you so much. Second, this post from you brings tears to my eyes….so beautiful and wonderful and so horible all at the same time. You make me feel so happy. I'm so thankful and so blessed to see you walking out in this. I always knew it was in you. You are a blessing to so many….we are fortunate to be so worthy….blessings to you my friend. Walk on, keep going, and may you continue to find us worthy of your story.
    Much love, Loraleigh

    Reply
  13. Heidi

    loraleigh, my unpublic friend! thank you for this. i don't even know how to respond to something as lovely as what you said. you know i love you. thank you, dear, sweet friend.

    Reply
  14. kendalee

    Heidi, Brava!!!! For starting your writing journey. For hitting the publish button. For sharing your story. I am so swept away by what you've written – right there, in your skin, in your head, as far as one person can be in another's. And that's entirely down to the beautiful, skillful way that you've crafted this story of yours. Your voice is singing out – authentic and captivating. I agree with loraleigh, may you continue to find us worthy…

    And thank you for your kind words! I'll let you know how I get on… fingers crossed 🙂

    Reply
  15. LENORENEVERMORE

    Use this place to share with all us…I'm fascinated & I'm sure it's quite cathartic for you as well Heidi! Wonderful new week to you dear! xo*

    Reply
  16. Heidi

    lisa, thank you. i so appreciate that you're here with me…thank you.

    lynne, thank you for coming by…hope to see you again. now, i'll have to pop on over to your blog…

    kenda, yes, please! let me know how things go.
    the word you used…authentic…that's what i'm aiming for. thank you for that and for every kind word you gave me.

    lenore, thank you so, so much.

    Reply
  17. Heidi

    maggie, thank you. i can feel it…the support. it's funny that you say it feels right just because i keep saying that to scott. i think this is right…it feels right…i hope this is right. that word is being used a lot these days. the thing is, it is right. so, thanks for that. i needed it. 🙂

    Reply
  18. Live More Now

    Very powerful. So descriptive, the imagery is just amazing.

    I know it takes a lot of courage to put this out there.

    Thank you for doing it.

    Reply

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