So, my blog got a facelift and it’s moved. I’ll have you know this is Scott’s idea. From the beginning this has been Scott’s idea. Creating a website for me, starting a blog two years ago, then, “You should write a book.” As of a day and a half ago I’m up on Facebook and Scott has moved my blog to WordPress, changing my teeny, tiny world as I know it. We even had a talk like I was one of his clients. We sat across from each other in pajamas, computer on his lap, and had a business meeting. He’s all visioning and marketing and ‘what does the future hold’. I’m riddled with anxiety, head aching, and my hands are actually shaking a little.
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at my new blog this morning with the words, ‘Help me get published’ on the right hand side. These were not tears of joy, people. It was 7 am. I had just finished making lunches for the kids and thought, I’ll check out the progress Scott has made with my blog. He looked over my shoulder as I said, “You have to take this down. It’s too much.”
Scott said no.
I’m sure I have mentioned somewhere in this blog how Scott is a dreamer. He has ideas for a new business every other day. His latest venture is creating a comic strip based on the world of skydiving. That’s right. Scott skydives. Frequently. Have I mentioned that before? It goes with his dreamer, risk-taking, Braveheart-freedom-crying, possibly plunging to his death persona. What I wanted for him to do this weekend was to clean out the shed and mow the lawn. Instead, he rebuilt my website and told me to believe in myself. I hate him sometimes.
I’m slow to change. My very, very good friend Jenn said to me, “Welcome to 2006, Heidi,” when I announced to her I was on Facebook like it was something to announce, like I just began a relationship with some guy wondering if we had a future together. Melodramatic, much?
The problem is that I feel vulnerable.
I know I’m being irrational, but all of this change makes me feel vulnerable. I’m really putting myself out there in this very intentional, purposeful way. I write, I’m writing a book, Help me. I know I have a blog but I started out with, like, two readers and it’s a very gradual, take-you-slow process, so it’s safe for internet inept, old-fashioned people like me. And, in all honesty, my heart raced each time I hit publish, for months. I don’t mull things over. I process and process and process until I can accept, meanwhile another planet has been discovered where a similar species to ours exists happily and peacefully. It took me an entire year to say, alright, I’m writing a book rather than prefacing it with we’ll see and a shrug of my shoulders. It took me three years to upgrade to a blackberry from my antique flip-phone with antennae. I am S-L-O-W.
Yesterday I learned how to comment on my wall. Today, I’m going to post my ‘I hate change’ post on my new blog and wrestle with my unbelief. I guess you’ll see me on Twitter next. As my friend Jenn would say, “Ack!”