losing my blob

So, my blog got a facelift and it’s moved. I’ll have you know this is Scott’s idea. From the beginning this has been Scott’s idea. Creating a website for me, starting a blog two years ago, then, “You should write a book.”  As of a day and a half ago I’m up on Facebook and Scott has moved my blog to WordPress, changing my teeny, tiny world as I know it. We even had a talk like I was one of his clients. We sat across from each other in pajamas, computer on his lap, and had a business meeting. He’s all visioning and marketing and ‘what does the future hold’.  I’m riddled with anxiety, head aching, and my hands are actually shaking a little.

Tears filled my eyes as I looked at my new blog this morning with the words, ‘Help me get published’ on the right hand side. These were not tears of joy, people. It was 7 am. I had just finished making lunches for the kids and thought, I’ll check out the progress Scott has made with my blog. He looked over my shoulder as I said, “You have to take this down. It’s too much.”

Scott said no.

I’m sure I have mentioned somewhere in this blog how Scott is a dreamer. He has ideas for a new business every other day. His latest venture is creating a comic strip based on the world of skydiving. That’s right. Scott skydives. Frequently. Have I mentioned that before? It goes with his dreamer, risk-taking, Braveheart-freedom-crying, possibly plunging to his death persona. What I wanted for him to do this weekend was to clean out the shed and mow the lawn. Instead, he rebuilt my website and told me to believe in myself. I hate him sometimes.

I’m slow to change. My very, very good friend Jenn said to me,  “Welcome to 2006, Heidi,” when I announced to her I was on Facebook like it was something to announce, like I just began a relationship with some guy wondering if we had a future together. Melodramatic, much?

The problem is that I feel vulnerable.

I know I’m being irrational, but all of this change makes me feel vulnerable. I’m really putting myself out there in this very intentional, purposeful way. I write, I’m writing a book, Help me. I know I have a blog but I started out with, like, two readers and it’s a very gradual, take-you-slow process, so it’s safe for internet inept, old-fashioned people like me. And, in all honesty, my heart raced each time I hit publish, for months. I don’t mull things over. I process and process and process until I can accept, meanwhile another planet has been discovered where a similar species to ours exists happily and peacefully.  It took me an entire year to say, alright, I’m writing a book rather than prefacing it with we’ll see and a shrug of my shoulders. It took me three years to upgrade to a blackberry from my antique flip-phone with antennae. I am S-L-O-W.

Yesterday I learned how to comment on my wall. Today, I’m going to post my ‘I hate change’ post on my new blog and wrestle with my unbelief. I guess you’ll see me on Twitter next. As my friend Jenn would say, “Ack!”

26 thoughts on “losing my blob

  1. Jen Isaak

    “What I wanted for him to do this weekend was to clean out the shed and mow the lawn. Instead, he rebuilt my website and told me to believe in myself. I hate him sometimes.” This will have me chuckling to myself all day, so if you see me laughing alone in the school yard know that I look ridiculous because I’m laughing at you…All kidding aside, baby steps are all good and having a spouse that believes in you is awesome. Can’t wait to read your book one day!

    1. heidi Post author

      Thank you, Jen. I didn’t get to see you laughing in the school yard. I would have liked that. In fact, it’s odd because I never run into you there. It’s a good thing we’re neighbors. 🙂

  2. christy

    Bravo! Welcome to the future Heidi! We’re glad you joined us! 😉 I actually haven’t embraced twitter yet myself. I’ve got an account, but only check it like once a year. Ack is right. So happy to see you on Facebook! And I LOVE your new blog look and that new picture! You’re GORGEOUS! As you know, I’ll be one of the first to buy your book WHEN – not if – it’s published. Would you like to promote your newsletter on my blog? I’d love to have you guest over there… 🙂 So excited for you. SO happy Scott pushes you. We all need a Scott!

    1. heidi Post author

      I know I always say this to you, but you are so sweet! So, so sweet.

      And are you kidding?! I’d love to guest post sometime. I would be honored.

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    1. heidi Post author

      Thank you! You’ve been such a cheerleader for me…right from the start…before the start. It…you…means the world to me.

  4. tanya

    Ha and ha! I see your slow to change and raise you one! I might have beat you in the blog and FB worlds but you’ve beaten me hands down in the land of the cell phone.

    Off to subscribe to the new blog addy…

    1. heidi Post author

      Yeah, when are you getting a cell phone? It actually kills me that you don’t have one. I could text you…all the time. You would love that.

  5. Nicole

    Thank God you have Scott to push you! If you never created your blog, some of us wouldn’t have a clue as to HOW gifted a writer you really are. I know you are an amazing speaker, but when I read your first post, well I was and wasn’t surprised. Whether it’s part of your story or something that happened the other day, you write so eloquently and it all just sounds perfect. I wish I had 1/4 of your gift for writing. I rewrote this like 10x to try and make it sound right.
    Anyways…Scott keep pushing…well, maybe relax for a bit. I think you have enough to keep you going for a while, hey Heidi.
    Love you both!

  6. jessica

    I’m so damn proud of you. Being vulnerable is very scary. It’s something i have avoided for a long time when it comes to relationships. But you know what? It’s worth all the pain, the disappointment, all of it, because it sets you free.

    xoxoxo

  7. IntenseGuy

    Whoa. Nice…. Someone (Scott) did a pile of work revamping this place! Your writing is the same regardless… vivid, powerful and intense.

    And I’ve still to get a blackberry… 🙂

    1. heidi Post author

      Thank you! He did do a pile of work. He commandeered the computer all weekend.

      Blackberries are great….but I kinda want an iphone.

  8. Kate Coveny Hood

    Ha! I know…. I have a hard time thinking big. Always have. I’m not writing a book or anything, but I’m the same way about blogging in general. Only a few of my IRL friends have blogs so most of my friends only really read mine (if that). They think that having 450ish readers makes me famous. And I shrug and get embarrassed by how undeserving I am and all that – but thinking “come on – why not?” for someone else makes you consider the same for yourself.
    There’s nothing wrong with keeping your blog (and even dreams) small – I’ve been been giving that a lot of thought for myself – but I think that there are some people who really should be known. In fact – it’s a crime for others NOT to know their story… You are one of those people for me – so I’ll do anything I can to help you get published. Even paying more attention to FaceBook.

    1. heidi Post author

      Thanks. And, yeah, I said never to facebook, but a goof by the name of Scott thinks networking is a good idea. I ‘friended’ you actually. Ha!

      1. sr

        blog roll sounds like some kind of bad sushi…

        thanks for the ad though… see… we’re networking right now!
        (Can I write this off as a business meeting?)

  9. Heather

    Yay, wordpress!! Yay, hubby pushing you forward! 🙂 Even though it feels difficult sometimes, I am so glad you have such wonderful support. Looking forward to watching the evolution. And I might have to go find you on Facebook now! (I love the “welcome to 2006”). 🙂 I relate to both loving and hating technology. Mmmm. Aaaaaack.

  10. Kate

    You’ve made me come out of my Chinese hideout to comment on your shocking technological about face. One of my last friends holding out. I can’t believe it. (Note to SR: first it is facebook, then it is crocs. What is this world coming to.)

    Seriously Heidi, its about time I acknowledged my reading presence here. You’ve got a way with words. Keep pressing on. 🙂

  11. kendalee

    Heidi, I LOVE the new look and feel and all the internet knicknackery that Scott’s added for you. I think everyone should have a Scott – belief and support AND skills – great combo! But, what occurred to me when I was reading this is that what you have here is like a very special gift that’s had its wrapping upgraded with really nice paper and a bow. It adds to the appeal, and increases the pleasure of the whole experience of it, no doubt, but once the pretty’s been stripped away, it’s the gift inside that really counts, and that’s all you. All you! K xx

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