in faith and fancy

Melancholy. That’s how I began December. With melancholy and a whisper of Anne from Anne of Green Gables. With sighs and many words for introspection and flair for drama. I’ve been going for walks along the river and melancholia settles on my shoulders like the morning mist over the water…I’m not kidding. It’s enough to make you shiver or gag, right?  I’ve lost my ability, a honed skill really, to shop. The other day I picked up a pair of ridiculously cute shoes on sale (half price!) and my eyes glazed over as they dangled in front of me. I dropped the shoes in defeat, shuffled out of the store and mumbled a goodbye to the earnest salesgirl. I let down both of us that day. This could be a sign of the end of days, or I’m in trouble and I need to snap out of it.

Consumed. I’ve been consumed this past year with writing, revising, and making this book happen. Truthfully, I’m still consumed. Now I’m just consumed with waiting and insecurity. I’ve sent out material and I’m at the mercy of others. When asked about the book, I want to tell people there is progress, there is news! There has been some progress, a trickle of potential, but I’m still waiting. I should feel satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment at the writing of it all, the work of it all. But all I feel is what now, what’s next? While people start their new year off with fireworks and resolutions I start mine with emptiness, with need. (I told you I’m melancholy.)

I’m empty and rather than look at it as depressing I can look at this gaping hole as beginning anew. I get to build. I get to add. I get to fulfill need.

New year, new goals. I can’t bring myself to resolutions, but I thought I could pick a word for this year. Something to live up to or live by. A star to beckon me. While I like plans I don’t like to be too restricted or contained. And a plan for the entire year is too lofty and unattainable for me. I like options and I like to change my mind. So, a word.

Last year hinted at redemption. Maybe it will continue. Scott and I selling our house so fast and moving into something new, dredging up the past to write a memoir…maybe there will be more deliverance.  It could be a year for waiting. I want something more, though. I need a word with substance and traction. Something I can sink into.

Belief. Meaning: acceptance, assurance, conclusion, confidence, faith, and fancy. I’m a little in love with all of those words.

I’m going to believe in good. In good news. In the dream I had a few nights ago where I held my book in my hands. In not submitting to the inevitable – to the worst case scenario – to the pessimist. Belief in more for my family and me, in plans and dreams working out after all.

Swept up

This is my eight year old daughter, Annie. This is how I want my heart to be.

Photo taken by my friend, the lovely and gifted Anastasia Chomlack

32 thoughts on “in faith and fancy

  1. JennyB

    Beautiful and earnest post. I share in your belief (in you and in your circumstances) for 2012. It’s going to be good.

  2. Joanna Roddy

    You’re not the only one believing for you. Thanks for your honesty. The process takes so long, with so many set-backs, that the treasure I think has to come from within. Knowing you’ve done what you set out to do and believing it is for a purpose beyond you. You are just where you are supposed to be.

    1. heidi Post author

      Thanks Joey. To hear that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be helps. It really does. Thank you for believing in me…it means a lot to me.

  3. Nicole

    May all your favorite words come true this year in some form or another. I still believe in you Heidi Cave! You are a gifted writer & the world needs to experience you in their lives.

  4. IntenseGuy

    Perhaps this melancoly is just simple introspection? You’ve put out a prodigious work of intense and raw emotion – perhaps its a needed time to reflect… to heal… and to think about what to do and where to go next?

    I too, wish I felt like your daughter appears… carefree… worryfree… and young at heart without the stress of being a “grown up”… I’m sure there is a way – the question is, are you bold enough to try it?

    1. heidi Post author

      You brought tears to my eyes with your words. I’m going to treasure this and as you suggest, reflect.
      I want to be bold enough. I’m going to accept your challenge. Truly, thank you for this. I needed it. 🙂

  5. Jill

    I’ve heard more of us admit to feeling melancholy, depressed, not quite ourselves over the past month + … that has me thankful to know I’m not alone. But more importantly to feel so much more connected to those who are so real, raw, soulfully writing. I can’t imagine the anxiety of the waiting … I know that I’d be going CRAZY! But like many others have already said, I feel good about this year and what’s to come. Happy 2012. Here’s to nothing but happy things coming your way!

    1. heidi Post author

      Thank you, Jill! Truly, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Not that I want anyone to suffer, but it’s less isolating having people be in the same boat, so to speak. I wish and hope good things for you too this new year.
      I have to say I feel a little better after writing this post and reading everyone’s thoughtful comments, including yours. Thank you. 🙂

  6. Kerstin

    I feel for you and I feel with you.
    Now this may sound really stupid, but when I took a course about making pitches and selling stories last year with an absolutely awesome writer and journalist, she told me that she always feels melancholic and exhausted after finishing a book. Even though she does not have children on her own, she said that many of her writer colleagues compare writing a book to being pregnant and then finally giving birth = finishing the book. After that you feel unsure and exhausted, yet hopeful and excited. I totally had to think of that when I read your blog and I remember feeling like that before as well (actually I’m feeling like that right now).
    I guess what I want to say is that you are not alone and I am glad I saw your post on Twitter about this blog.
    I am sure that it will all happen for you 🙂

    1. heidi Post author

      Kerstin! Thank you! It helps and makes sense that one would feel ‘all over the map’ after a project like this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. And thanks again for ‘favoriting’ the tweet.

  7. Alexis

    It’s such a waiting game, isn’t it? Believe is a good word to focus on. I’m glad things are happening for you, and I bet there’s only more good things to come in 2012. 🙂

    Oh, and The Vampire Diaries starts again on Thursday. So, there’s that. 🙂 🙂

    1. heidi Post author

      Have you sent out your work at all yet? And, yes, yes! Such a waiting game. I kinda just want to do it myself. I still might. Thanks Alexis…it’s great knowing people that get it.
      Seriously can’t wait for TVD! Seriously.

      1. Alexis

        I’ve sent out stuff. Agents are reading my stuff. And I’m (surprise, surprise) waiting. 🙂

        1. heidi

          Okay, so tell me if anything comes up. I’m really excited for you! All the very, very best to you.
          It bears repeating…TVD tonight! I’m like a schoolgirl…it’s ridiculous.

  8. Alexandra

    I closed my eyes and prayed before leaving a reply here.

    My heart said, “never grow weary of doing what is right.”


    Go FIGHT win, you are a warrior.

  9. Kate Coveny Hood

    I see big things for you this year! But I also know how you feel. I’ve been saying that I feel a little lost. Facing problems that aren’t going to disappear…waiting to turn 40…everything feels a bit transitional right now. And you know how I don’t like change! Anyway – I’m with you. I want to feel like that picture of Annie. All I need to do now is start working on that!

    1. heidi

      Transitional…isn’t that the worst word? It is to me. I feel like I’ve been transitioning forever! So, I hear you. I really do.
      And, you’re on. Let’s be all twirly, spinny…if not in body, then in spirit. 🙂

  10. Tony van der Waarde

    I am always amazed at how peole like yourself “get on” with life like you did. It requires special help from “above” to get through this sort of thing. I wish you succes in getting your book published. If you need a reviewer, I’d like to help. I’ve done this on several occasions. You did not take along the 4 books I set aside for you……………..

    1. heidi

      Ack! I did forget the books. I remembered after I left.
      Thank you for the well-wishes and the offer of help. I just may take you up on that!

  11. Deb @ San Diego Momma

    SUCH amazing milestones you’ve reached so far. But when you’re on that journey to getting your work published, it all seems so inconsequential.
    It is not. You WROTE A BOOK.
    It is a matter of time before it’s published.
    Reading your blog? i know this to be true.


    1. heidi

      How sweet are you?! You’re right – I should acknowledge that I wrote a book and let that settle in before already freaking out about it all. 🙂 Thank you for this.

  12. christy

    I want to feel like that picture of Annie too! What unbridled joy! I LOVE IT!

    I bet this will be YOUR year Heidi. I seriously can’t wait to hear the big news! I am SURE it will happen. Truthfully, I think any agent or publisher worth their salt should be knocking down your door to get the right to publish your book. That’s how awesome I think your writing and your story are. But that’s just me…

    Believe! Love! Hugs!

    1. heidi

      Unbridled joy…that’s it!
      Thank you for your encouragement and belief. I’m going to carry this with me this week. You are the sweetest!!

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