surrender

When you come from a long line of women who move with bravery and backbone, you’re destined to do the same. Perseverance is your crown. And like the women before me I wear it well. I was born a fighter. My dad said so.

I close my eyes and I breathe. In and out.

Under obligation, through worry and over the unknown I search for that spot inside me where peace resides. The place that tells me I’m going to be fine. No matter the outcome I am here – whole and healthy. My life is good.

While my body rests my mind races. It is dark, the house is still. Outside and over my children is a blanket of stars. The night isn’t enough to quiet me; there is always one more thing. While determination is in my bloodstream rest is foreign to me, to the women before me. If one learns by example then my example is to never stop.

I am crowded, too full to sleep. Thoughts zig-zagging through my brain. Longing for more, always for more, I wonder where I will go, where life will lead. What can I do? Change is everywhere.

I’m on my side, pillow scrunched under my head, hands curled under my chin. I remember holding my babies when they cried; gently patting their small soft backs as I sang lullabies into virgin ears. Soon, soon with long slow blinks, their mouths forming an ‘o’ they surrendered to sleep.

There is a time to fight and this is not the time. I breathe. In and out. I give in to the night. I surrender. To peace. To rest.

Swept up

In this ballet girl!

Annie is part of a ballet character duo this year and here she is on stage mid-performance as one of the two Dueling Maestros!

61 thoughts on “surrender

  1. Kerstin

    Oh Heidi, I think the fighting and determination is a German thing 😉 – not always a blessing. It is so hard to find peace, especially in a time of transition, longing and wondering.
    Do we make the right decisions? Is it going fast enough? What is going to happen? WHEN???

    I know that I sometimes get wrapped up into my thoughts and plans until I’m completely exhausted and I lose all hope and focus. I have to remind myself that it’s alright to take a break – let me know if you have the answer on how to do that!

    1. heidi Post author

      Yes, yes!! Such a German thing and then I have that Mennonite thing going too. Thank you for sharing in the ‘German’ of it all with me. I feel so much better right now! And we’ll try to find the answer together… 🙂

    1. heidi

      Okay, you can scratch/ignore the first part of my reply back on your blog. 🙂
      Happy you came by! Thank you so much.

  2. Toriz

    That’s great news about Annie; bet she was great! 🙂

    Sometimes it’s hard to surrender to sleep… Sometimes the mind’s off button just doesn’t work!

    1. heidi

      Toriz! She had so much fun and she loves ballet. It’s kind of her ‘thing’.
      Exactly, yes, the ‘off’ button! I wish, I wish there was such a thing.:)

  3. stephanie

    Hi Heidi, Such a poetic post. Meditative. I felt transported, as if I were in a restorative yoga class. As if I were nestled under that blanket. I read your about page…wow, it is inspiring, your outlook as you emerged from that. It’s nice to meet you.

  4. Jennifer

    Heidi, Your writing just floors me. “Outside and over my children is a blanket of stars.”=So very, very beautiful. Sigh.

    Your writing is a gift.

    XO

  5. christy

    This was just wonderful. A breathe of fresh air, you are! I can’t wait to meet you this summer. And that Annie! A DOLL!!!!

    1. heidi

      Christy!! It’s going to be so fun! I know it’s months away but I am already so excited about it.
      And thank you, thank you always. For your sweetheartness…it’s a made up word, I know. But I’m going with it.

  6. Tara Pohlkotte

    umm…I’m pretty sure you just crawled all up in my head 🙂 Beautiful, truly. You explain how I feel many nights. Reminding myself to lay it down. Can’t wait to read more from you!

    1. heidi

      Hi Tara,
      I’m glad I’m not the only one. Not that I want anyone to be restless with worry and lists, but it’s less isolating somehow when you know there are others experiencing some of the same things. I feel a little less crazy. 🙂
      I just went to your site. Gorgeous, gorgeous writing.

    1. heidi

      Katie, thank you so much. I’m so glad to have found your blog today too! I’m loving this whole Yeah Write thing. It’s a lot of fun and I’m meeting some incredible writers, like yourself. 🙂

  7. Julia

    Yes, this. In the still of the night my mind still races and doesn’t allow me to rest. How beautiful it is to find rest and peace even when your mind resists.

    1. heidi

      Julia, I was just over at your blog and thinking how calming it is…it’s such a restful space.

      I think the end of the day is so tough because it’s the quietest part of the day and while that should be a welcomed thing my brain can’t acknowledge it. It doesn’t want to wind down like the rest of me does. It’s an ongoing battle. Here’s hoping to some much needed rest and peace for both of us. 🙂

  8. Kristin

    Reading this post is almost like a guided relaxation. So, I think I’ll take your cue and surrender to bed. My body and my brain thank you. And as was already mentioned, the imagery is beautiful, enveloping, and familiar.

  9. Alexis

    You’re spot on with this one. Gorgeous writing. You captured that restless, anxious feeling that creeps up when we don’t always want it to so perfectly. 🙂

  10. Kate Coveny Hood

    It’s hard for a fighter to stop – even when it isn’t the time to fight. I imagine there must be some primal fear that momentum will be lost. You never leave your post – because you never know… But I’m glad to hear that you make yourself rest no matter how hard it may be. You need it!

    1. heidi

      You’re good. How do you do that? Just figure me out like that when I hadn’t even figured it out yet? You’re so great. xo

  11. Louise Ducote

    What a wonderful post! I’m glad to know of your blog (from yeah write); looking forward to reading more of your story. Your style of writing is soothing yet interesting. I’ll be back!

    1. heidi

      Thank you, Louise! I am new to Yeah Write. I’ve been able to meet so many people and writers in the last couple of days…it’s been fantastic. So glad to meet you!

  12. Lady Mama

    Your writing is beautiful! I think my mind is a bit like yours: relentless. Good that you can find that peaceful spot to fall into eventually.

  13. Rita

    Heidi … part of my morning routine includes checking the Daily Message at Caroline Myss’ website (http://www.myss.com/). It seems that each day, the message is timely and speaks to what I am grappling with in the moment, whether joyous or frustrating. Yesterday’s really suited your posting: ‘The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.’ Your writing is so visually vibrant. Keep following your passion, gal. You know exactly what it is. xo

  14. Kenda

    As always Heidi, I am transported by your writing and find myself right beside you, breathing in and breathing out… I can relate on so many levels and you express it so beautifully.

    1. heidi

      Kenda!! Oh, how I’ve missed you! I see you there in my reader and I have a few posts to catch up on. And I will. I’m looking forward to it.

  15. Kim Pugliano - The G is Silent

    I’m so worn out from worry, run, go, take care, check on her, take him, is he okay, how are they that I can’t stay awake on the COUCH but I SO TOTALLY GET your description because that’s just me now; I’m often where you are now. Great post.

    1. heidi

      I hear you. I really do. It is a problem for me for sure and I will always battle with it, but I figure as long as I recognize it and learn to cope it will be better.
      So glad you came by!

    1. heidi

      Wow, what a compliment! Truly. Thank you. Women and worry seem to go hand in hand, and it is a constant struggle to just quit or to at least get a hold of it and not let it control you.

  16. Jamie

    Oh the racing mind that haunts us at night… i just wrote about mine today, not nearly as elegantly as you have here though. Your space is so calming and peaceful – this is my first visit and I know I’ll be back.

  17. Lenore

    When I first read a blanket of stars, I assumed your kids were camping out. That’s me reading your post – I’m a mom to two boys. They love camping, and when they camp… I sit in bed thinking many of the thoughts you shared. This was a wonderful read. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  18. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    I love the idea of perseverance as a crown. The one-foot-in-front-of-the-other-ness of moving forward IS something to be celebrated. Most people stay stuck in the moment, because change is hard and messy. Nice piece. Erin

    1. heidi Post author

      Thank you, Erin.
      Yes, you’re right. Putting one foot in front of the other counts and it is something to be celebrated…well put! Love that.

  19. Emily

    Knowing when to rest is hard, as is change, and oh! I know I have so many questions about the future. This post really resonated with me. I loved your imagery, too. The blanket of stars above your house and above your children; beautiful!

    1. heidi

      Thank you, Emily. I’m still learning, always learning about rest. Yesterday I forced some rest upon myself and I have to say it was pretty awesome to lie on the couch, watch a House Hunters International Marathon and eat Reese eggs. I sooo needed that.:)

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