It’s a somewhat sunny day and I know I should be outside. This is BC after all and the sun is fleeting around here. But, I was outside yesterday and the day before that. I spent most of the afternoon at the park with my kids yesterday. So, now I’m a good mom and I shouldn’t have to go outside, right?
Guilt. It’s everywhere. Did you know that when you become a mother you acquire more guilt than you already have? It comes out of nowhere. Your baby is born and poof! There is guilt. I should hold the baby all the time. I should never leave the baby. I should have fed the baby sweet potatoes – make that organic sweet potatoes – instead of strawberries. Then when they’re older it’s, I should be super content to just tend to my children, I should not let them eat so many fries, I should always listen attentively and not just say yes to the question I couldn’t understand, I should care more when they’ve fallen down for the hundredth time.
Aside from mom guilt there’s the regular guilt that I feel as a regular person. For instance I have this shame that I like clothes so much. I have tried to tone down my love for shopping, but I can’t. It’s a force greater than me. I do know my limits. If there is no money I will stay away from the stores for fear that I will break down and dip into the overdraft. The love is that strong.
I once got very angry with one of those construction people holding the stop/slow signs. What are they called? Traffic controllers? People with hard hats, bleached out hair, bad jeans, and a smoke in one hand? I got mad to her face. In my defense she yelled at me first. I felt horrible about it afterward and immediately called one of my friends to confess. The guilt got to me. Looking back I don’t know what I felt so guilty about. She deserved it.
Some of us have a higher guilt threshold. You might be reading this and think that I am far too sensitive and you have no guilt about any of the things I mentioned. Good for you. Seriously. Tell me how to live like that.
It seems guilt is something I will be plagued with my whole life. I have to say though it’s getting slightly better as I get older. I’m honing the craft of tuning out. Life is too short to let guilt get in the way, so I acknowledge the guilt and release it. (I hear that’s what people do when their home is haunted by ghosts.) Just like I’m going to do right now as I take my kids to get ice cream. At least we’ll be outside for a little while….