The Struggle

Is anyone else in the struggle? I am and I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate that my emotions are all over the place and I can’t calm down. I love that many questions are raised and I learn a thing or two.

Now I know there are peaks and valleys in our lives. (I can’t believe I just said that.) There are spaces in our lives where everything is great and normal and couldn’t be better. Good. But, if it was between struggle and nothing which would you choose?

The problem with struggle is that we are almost never without it. I always, always think that this is it. This is the last time I will have this problem and the last time I will have to wrestle with it. I will conquer this beast and it will be smooth sailing from here.

The smooth sailing does come. And it’s good for a while. So good. You’re refreshed. You’ve never felt this alive. The world is your oyster – I never got that saying by the way. Then another storm hits and I want to make another sailing reference here but I’m not a sailor.

I am not without hope. I have a lot of hope. It’s just that life isn’t problem free and sometimes I wish that it was. I know – without struggle how would we ever grow or find the light within or whatever. How much growth can a person take and how much light do they need to find?

Nothing comes with its fair share of problems too. While it’s delightfully distracting to be and feel nothing it becomes life-sucking to be numb; therefore making nothing a dangerous place to be in long term. You may be keeping your struggles/problems/feelings at bay, but make no mistake they are there waiting for your return.

Both struggle and nothing are work. With struggle your feelings are all over the map. With nothing you are trying not to feel. It is a chore to cope with all of the emotion and a chore to keep those emotions in check. Which chore is greater? Does this feel like an arithmetic problem?

I have had a lot of experience with ‘the struggle’. (That sounds like a rope one can buy over the shopping network. It can tie into 10 different knots; it can hold a piano while you’re hoisting it from the ground to your window on the 12th floor. It’s weird, right? That there are so many movies/shows where someone is trying to get a piano through their window?)

Here are the conclusions I’ve drawn. It’s a tug of war over desperation, frustration, and peace. It isn’t remotely fun, but it can be worthwhile. It is instinct to run into the arms of distraction, but you can stay and duke it out. You might learn a coping skill or two which will help with the next round in your life. You’ll discover a bit about yourself like I’m not too bad at this and I can stand myself and I can find peace in the middle of total misery. Maybe you’ll notice a fellow struggler and you can impart your new found wisdom to them. It’s nice to help others.

You struggle to achieve the good stuff. (Is that the peak or the valley?) Sometimes we have to work for our happiness. Sometimes it comes with ease. I don’t think the other shoe always drops. I don’t think we should wait around for it to drop. It’s just that life isn’t perfect and we get to choose – life or existence? There is a distinct difference. For those of us that struggle we are trying to make sense of it all clawing our way through. For those of us that are embracing nothing how long do we want to be comatose for? Going through the motions of being alive, but not really alive.

The greater chore might be struggle but you get results and you get to live.

Swept Up

In road trips
Scott and I are going to Brackendale, BC. To the NVOS. I have never been there and I have no idea of where it is. We’ll google map it. Remember the days when you would pull out a giant piece of paper that was the map and trace your way to your destination? Remember trying to fold it back together properly? Oh, how I heart you google map.

Anyway…. we are speaking at an event being held there. It’s a ‘relationships and intimacy’ forum. No, it’s not that kind of conference. It’s all a little more PC than that. It should be interesting though. I’m wondering how many questions in until I get really uncomfortable? Will I be able to keep a straight face? Will Scott smirk? And how much will I learn about my fellow panelists? Will there be anything juicy?

I am looking forward to the drive up.

6 thoughts on “The Struggle

  1. Lesley

    Ah “the struggle” – whether it’s losing weight or watching a good friend die of cancer I hear ya! I think as long as we a going in a direction (preferably forward) we’ll at least end up somewhere, good or bad at least we’re moving – I just don’t want to be in the exact same place a year from now…

  2. tlc

    “Then another storm hits and I want to make another sailing reference here but I’m not a sailor.”

    I do believe you could go with ‘batten down the hatches’ once again.

    Basically sealing up the boat so the waves/water don’t get in and sink you.

  3. Anonymous

    My friend thinks Brackendale is the next “whistler” or other hot spot..they’ve bought property there….Also…I still use road maps..and on our way to 100 mile house, Barney and I argued over the way I had folded it!! Have fun on your road trip!! Roadtrips are fabulous…Make sure you play your music loud…they are the key to a really good road trip!

  4. Heidi

    tlc, Love “batten down the hatches”

    anonymous, it’s true – the folding of a map can be tricky. And, thanks, we did have fun on our road trip!

  5. Katie

    Heidi, these are wise words. I feel like I am learning so much through reading your blog. Actually, a lot of the conclusions that you draw about life are similar to many of the themes discussed at my church this last year; being ok amidst misery, being authentic. This was a great post! And I laughed so hard at your comment on the "giant piece of paper" that came before google map!

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