Tis the Season

To resist Christmas is futile. I can no longer pretend like it isn’t coming. I nearly had a panic attack when someone said it was only 27 days away. Stop forcing Christmas on me! And, really, it isn’t Christmas I’m avoiding. I really like Christmas. Love even. It’s the shopping I’m dreading.

I love shopping. Shopping is my quiet time. My zen. When we reach this time of year….when we are 27 days away from Christmas my quiet time is turned into this ugly competitive sport. Bumping, pushy, angry, sighing, babies screaming from their strollers, impatient, I want this now sport. As much as I resent it I know I am losing the battle. It is time to go to war.

In the spirit of shopping mania I have come up with a list. A list of shoppers you may encounter in your war zones.

Sighing Shopper
This shopper can’t stand standing in line. Any time the credit card doesn’t go through fast enough or there’s a hiccup with the cash register there is a sigh. Don’t even get them started if the cashier has to call for help.

Mom, Stroller and Missing Baby Shopper
This shopper has a stroller piled high with so much stuff you hope there isn’t a baby buried underneath. This mom and stroller plow through aisle after aisle adding one item after another clipping people’s toes and ankles along the way. Grandma is usually there shouting from another aisle asking, “What about the Safari Barbie? Do you want a Safari Barbie or the Librarian Barbie? Whaaat?! Which one!?” And the baby? You’ll find that baby with a dad bouncing him/her up and down cowering in a corner.

Outnumbered Shopper
This shopper has it rough. A mom, baby, and one on the way. A dad, a newborn, and a three year old. Or a mom, twins, and a sulky tween. This person is going to war with everyone. If they’re smart they are armed with distractions. A bottle and/or juice, crackers, cookies, toys. If these things don’t work they hand them keys, a cell phone, completely cave and buy them the toy they have been demanding for the last two hours. The tween is usually lagging behind while whining about how their brother and sister get everything. There is a scowl etched in this shopper’s face for hours after he/she has finished their shopping for the day.

Lost Shopper
This shopper is out of their element. They only come to the mall at this time of year and can’t understand why no one will help them. They ask a lot of questions and always look puzzled. Why is this so expensive? When did lego get so complex? Oh, a Wii…..I’ve heard of a Wii. Where is the bathroom?

Mean Shopper
These shoppers are just angry. And there is nothing you can do to snap them out of it. They wake up mean and come to the store mean. They do this walk-run everywhere they go. They prey on the weak and butt in line. They do not respond to smiling or small talk. That only makes them meaner. They are here to win. Beware of this shopper. Do not look directly into their beady eyes and, slowly, walk away.

And so it begins.

Swept Up

In Sales
As much as Christmas shopping can make me crazy I do enjoy a sale. There are some good ones out there right now. I thought I should be nice and make a list of these sales, but, honestly, I don’t have the energy for it. Making up that list of shoppers made me sleepy. I will let you in on this one. There is a kids clothing sale at Mexx right now – 30% off everything including clothes that are already discounted. Not too shabby.

9 thoughts on “Tis the Season

  1. Suz Broughton

    Oh, great list! I used to be the shopper with the stroller and missing baby. I miss my stroller when I shop. Not just for the bags, but also the cup holder.
    Good post.
    Pssst..now it’s only 26 days hahahahah (I the MEAN shopper now!)

  2. Linda Sue

    AHHH those were the days- getting up at 5:00 am, kids in the car- my best friend, her kids in her car communication through rolled down windows, screaming strategy at one another, getting in the door almost first and scoring the limited edition of yellow pokemon whatever.It is way easier now- online everything delivered to the door and if I were insane i would say that I missed the rush of the good old days…

  3. dawn

    funny! this made me laugh. i feel so sorry for outnumbered shopper. she makes me tired just looking at her. and wait heidi….there’s a whole new chapter for you in the driving shoppers category…i think i encountered a few of them yesterday. (yes i WAS stupid for shopping yesterday!) p.s. the mean shoppers scare me.

  4. curious girl (lisa)

    this is hilarious!

    I have to admit, I can be a mean shopper. I get so impatient and I have all these “rules” that no one is following but me (like you have to move to the right in the mall so that everyone is going the same way!). but I will always soften up at a smile or small-talk.

    I miss the stoller. with the stroller, I had the built-in excuse of being an overstressed mom. and the cute baby served as a front. now I’m just mean shopper.

  5. Heidi

    suz, I miss my cup holder too! And I could always get a ton of stuff underneath the stroller and hang bag after bag on to the handles.

    linda sue, that was some dedicated shopping! It’s true….online shopping is so much easier. No crowds, no waiting except to see if your purchase actually went through…

    dawn, the driving shopper? Is that the driver following you from the mall to your car hoping to get your parking spot or the driver who cuts you off to get to the parking spot first? Grrrr…

    lisa, I’m with you that people should move to the right….like driving…move over people!
    You can get away with almost anything when you have a stroller and a baby. It’s like this free pass.

  6. sugarlens

    Hehe, funny list.

    I am a Sighing Shopper. Is it unreasonable to expect that people have their coupon and credit card in hand instead of fumbling for them when they are in front of the cash register?

  7. Live More Now (LMN)

    That is a great list. And it is why, even though I too, love shopping (for others, actually – I can’t stand shopping for myself, at least in the clothes dept – I love “homey” things, instead), I have SWORN OFF shopping this year. Period. Even the folks I love are going to have to deal with written letters, stories, or homemade things. Just for fun. Simplicity. We have all agreed that is just how it is this year. And it REALLY takes the pressure off!! Good luck with your ventures out into the shopping world. Scary. 🙂

  8. Heidi

    sugarlens, no, it is not unreasonable especially if they have been standing in line for more than 5 minutes. C’mon, people!

    LMN, a no shopping rule….brilliant! I really enjoy shopping. I just don’t enjoy shopping under Christmas conditions. I have a rule for myself though – that when I’m out there I am nice. Smiling using my manners nice.

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