Hanging up the Uniform

Reflection is in the air. I guess it’s that time of year – to look over your shoulder at this year before turning your attention to what’s next.

I don’t dwell on the past too much (I’ve said that here before). I do believe in taking stock (I’ve made statements about that too). I’ve been reading your lovely blogs and seeing all of this thought…all of this reflection…and it has made its way in. So, here I am, taking stock. Sifting through this last year…good, bad, irrelevant, significant, and things that stir up emotion.

I was borderline when this year began. Borderline on giving up and giving in. Borderline on belief and what’s possible. I was sitting on the fence between hope and nothing.

I am a hopeful type. I always have been. I can’t help myself. When all else fails I have hope. But, this year, I got tired. When you risk and lose, risk and lose it takes its toll on you. I wanted to hang up my pom-poms and put that cheerleader uniform in the back of my closet. Hope was getting hard to root for. It was easier facing that yawning black hole called defeat than look on the bright side.

It took me by surprise – this lack of hope. I had faced some dark times in my life and hope always won. So, it was a surprise when, one day, I saw that I was coming up short. Short on belief and short on the fight. Needless to say, I was confronted with a choice…..damn those crossroads! What was it going to be? Black hole defeat or hopes and dreams. While most sane people would go with hopes and dreams, hopes and dreams! I seriously weighed my options before picking hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams had worn me out.

It is almost a year later and there is so much I could say and some of it I have said here in the past few months. I’m sure more of this journey will make its way here. I will say this: Almost a year later…defeat didn’t have its way with me and I came off the fence. I stayed true to hope because I needed to stay true to myself. No matter how inviting that black hole might be something is better than nothing. The uniform and pom-poms are still in the back of the closet – I was screaming myself hoarse anyway. I’m done with cheering. I have come away a believer.

Swept Up

In Anything Gingerbread
Gingerbread cookies, gingerbread men, gingerbread biscotti, gingerbread houses, gingerbread lattes with a lot of whipped cream…..

11 thoughts on “Hanging up the Uniform

  1. dawn

    wow, heidi…so powerful. i think that there are times in our life where stepping a thoughtful toe and toying with the idea of jumping into a black hole is just what we need to do to find our new footing. you have done that. and now you are firmly planted! be proud of that.

  2. Dorkys Ramos

    Very thoughtful, I too will be taking stock soon. Like yours, the beginning of my year was a trying one and I’m still trying to find my way now. I’m glad hope won out for you.

  3. Suz Broughton

    I love the way you write. It always comes across hopeful. You have a true talent writing what’s in your heart–your big heart.

  4. tanya

    Even I, the person who knows and kind of likes the black hole, see a sparkle of hope at the ending of this year(good think I don’t really believe in jinxes or I’d be screwed by saying that).

    It’s a weird glittery bit and I don’t really know what I am supposed to do with it.

    *stares at glittery bit*
    “Oooh, shiny.”

  5. Heidi

    tanya, is that glittery bit getting closer? I hope so. You deserve some shiny in your life.

    dorkys, I hope this year works out to be an incredible one for you…truly. I wish you well on your ‘stock taking’.

    suz, you always say the nicest things and you always put a smile on my face.

    dawn, it’s true – I think sometimes that’s all it takes – a good look at the other side (or “stepping a thoughtful toe”) and some serious what is going on with me?? to get you to where you need to be.

  6. Pare

    “defeat didn’t have its way with me and I came off the fence…”

    Good for you.

    Sometimes the fight can be the smallest effort and still make a difference. Here’s to keep on, keeping on. 🙂

  7. Kate Coveny Hood

    Being your own cheerleader is pretty exhausting when your heart isn’t in it. I find your strength very inspirational.

  8. Heidi

    Pare, hmmm…wise words. I think you’re right – “the fight can be the smallest effort…”. I hadn’t looked at coming off the fence as that. thanks!

    kch, It was the hoping for hope that was making me crazy over this last while and, now, I’m just in it…if that makes sense.

  9. Jules

    what a great post – something i needed to hear! this past year has been a rocky one for me as well and while i’m usually a positive, hopeful kind of girl, i’ve wanted to crawl in that “black hole” a few times. but when i reflect on how God has blessed me and how fortunate i really am, i turn away from that dark place because i have too much to be grateful for.

  10. Live More Now (LMN)

    Good for you. I can so relate to being the hopeful type and at the same time being worn out by it! I think of myself as very optimistic, and then at times I think, “why am I so bogged down with this?!” Good for you – being willing to take your time, and making a decision. We just have to keep moving forward, because there is no other way to move. Keep it up.

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