Reflection is in the air. I guess it’s that time of year – to look over your shoulder at this year before turning your attention to what’s next.
I don’t dwell on the past too much (I’ve said that here before). I do believe in taking stock (I’ve made statements about that too). I’ve been reading your lovely blogs and seeing all of this thought…all of this reflection…and it has made its way in. So, here I am, taking stock. Sifting through this last year…good, bad, irrelevant, significant, and things that stir up emotion.
I was borderline when this year began. Borderline on giving up and giving in. Borderline on belief and what’s possible. I was sitting on the fence between hope and nothing.
I am a hopeful type. I always have been. I can’t help myself. When all else fails I have hope. But, this year, I got tired. When you risk and lose, risk and lose it takes its toll on you. I wanted to hang up my pom-poms and put that cheerleader uniform in the back of my closet. Hope was getting hard to root for. It was easier facing that yawning black hole called defeat than look on the bright side.
It took me by surprise – this lack of hope. I had faced some dark times in my life and hope always won. So, it was a surprise when, one day, I saw that I was coming up short. Short on belief and short on the fight. Needless to say, I was confronted with a choice…..damn those crossroads! What was it going to be? Black hole defeat or hopes and dreams. While most sane people would go with hopes and dreams, hopes and dreams! I seriously weighed my options before picking hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams had worn me out.
It is almost a year later and there is so much I could say and some of it I have said here in the past few months. I’m sure more of this journey will make its way here. I will say this: Almost a year later…defeat didn’t have its way with me and I came off the fence. I stayed true to hope because I needed to stay true to myself. No matter how inviting that black hole might be something is better than nothing. The uniform and pom-poms are still in the back of the closet – I was screaming myself hoarse anyway. I’m done with cheering. I have come away a believer.