It starts from somewhere you can’t pinpoint and its destination is you. You can’t reach it. You can’t touch it. This feeling. This longing I have only ever described as my homesick feeling.

It is bigger than me and I find myself wanting to wrap my arms around it but I can’t. It’s not a good or a bad feeling. It’s not loneliness. It’s not enlightenment or a wondering. It isn’t joy. I know what those are, but this…I can never get a hold of. It comes and goes with no explanation.

All of my growing up life I never felt sad when I was away from my family. Homesickness eluded me, so when this feeling…this longing would find its way to me I thought this is what homesick must feel like. This aching for something that is just beyond me, something that I know I would love if it would let me catch it. Maybe it’s heaven chasing me. Maybe it’s a calling I haven’t fulfilled. Maybe it’s a dream I can’t see yet. Maybe it’s a voice I can’t hear. Maybe it’s a reminder that I am only human. Don’t forget to feel as it dances and twists through me with no way of knowing if it will return, but sure that it will.

Swept Up

In Warmth
My new Christmas Lululemon hoodie (mine is black) is very, very snuggly.
And fireplaces…also good for keeping you warm.

14 thoughts on “Homesick

  1. dawn

    i don’t think it’s bigger than you, heidi because it’s in your orbit. it’s giving you a chance to look at it and experience it. and when you have, it’ll let you make friends with it. the thing i have never been able to learn tho, is how to just experience it when it’s eluding me. i know you will be able to do that. 🙂

  2. Kate Coveny Hood

    I know the exact feeling you describe. And I never got homesick either. The only real homesickness I’ve ever felt was for my children. Good description.

  3. Heidi

    dawn, hmmm…your words are making me think. It’s strange…I have felt this for as long as I can remember…maybe one day I will catch it.

    kch, ah, someone else feels this too. it’s nice to know I’m not the only one; therefore, not crazy. 🙂

  4. Suz Broughton

    “Maybe it’s heaven chasing me” Beautiful. That is simply a beautiful way to put it.
    I wish you a very happy new year my bloggy friend.

  5. Chris

    I think I sort of know what you mean, but I don’t know what to call it. I feel very lost and adrift lately, but I’m sure I’ll find my way again soon. I hope you shake that feeling off and can confidently go on with your life 🙂

  6. Live More Now (LMN)

    That Lululemon is some place! I went in there recently and loved what they had, but also found myself thinking, “WOW – I really need to keep working out for awhile before I can wear these (sleek/snug fitting/oh-so-comfortable) pants!” But I DID love what they had! Part of it is I don’t love shopping for myself. Maybe as a treat, after another month or so of excellent workouts, I will go back. Also after I’ve paid off some of the debt from Christmas. 🙂

  7. Heidi

    chris, it’s a feeling I’ve had forever it seems like. I don’t know if it’s about shaking it off, but rather just going with it.
    I hope you find your way – that you get to plant your feet on some solid ground and be able to see a little of what’s ahead.

    lmn, it is some place! I used to ignore it, but I got sucked in. It totally lives up to all its hype with their ridiculously comfy clothing. And it’s a Canadian company, so I’m all supportive of that. I want the pants too.

  8. dawn

    heidi, happy happy new year to you. i hope 2009 brings you peace and so much joy and laughter that you burst wide open!

  9. curious girl (lisa)

    once again, you perfectly describe the feeling. I think it is very close to the feeling of homesickness, which I experience often. that tug of yearning for what was and what can be. I love it and can’t imagine living life without it.

    happy new year heidi.

  10. Heidi

    thank you so much sweet dawn.

    lisa, “that tug of yearning for what was and what can be. I love it and can’t imagine living life without it.”

    happy new year to you too!

  11. Linda Sue

    I know that feeling- i take a pill for it every morning…put it on hold at least until the sun comes out.
    Buddha would call it a growing pain or an attention getter perhaps – it is good.
    You will have a wonderful new year forever- i put in that particular order!

  12. Dorkys Ramos

    Happy New Year, Heidi! I hope you realize what this feeling is or what it’s calling you to do.

    And I just found out about lululemon about 2 months ago when I saw a girl on the train with the cutest little tote bag. It was red and white with all these great and inspirational quotes on it. I discreetly checked out the store name. I just had to get one.

    Called around to see if any of their stores had it in stock (I couldn’t see it online). Turns out the thing is their shopping bag. Love it!

  13. Heidi

    linda sue, you make me laugh! a growing pain…I like that. I hope you have a wonderful year too.

    dorkys! their shopping bags are as nice as their clothing. I guess they should be for the price of their stuff, but it is some seriously comfy stuff.
    Happy New Year to you too bloggy friend.

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