I’m living on automatic. For all of my talk of getting in the game I’ve been in this particular stretch – this leg of the race – too long. That post was written for me more than anyone. I’m living off of guts, nerve, and the sham of I’m fine. That the weight of not meeting our bills isn’t making me dizzy. That there are some family issues I won’t talk about here out of respect…repercussion…that leave me helpless…and the guilt…there are no words for the guilt. That I’m so tired of saying I’m tired. I’m fine is the best I can come up with.

I believe in taking risks. In going for it. In living from the heart. In living life to its fullest. I wholeheartedly do. I believe in a light at the end of the tunnel.

Because I’m in a tunnel. A you can’t go around it you’ve gotta go through it tunnel. If I keep walking, if I keep moving I’ll get there. To the end where the light is.

I know that life isn’t just a game or a race. That sometimes it’s a walk or a stroll, there can be peace and stillness, or fun. Remember fun? I know this. But this is the season, the journey, the tunnel I’m in. I’m not in wide open spaces yet.

So, I’m on automatic which goes against me. I made a choice long ago to not live that way. Some things get done automatically, but as a way of life? I can’t do that. I have to be connected. I have to know where I am and how I’m feeling. Not every moment of the day. One can only do so much navel-gazing. But, to feel. It’s a priority to feel.

With hope, with a shred of faith I believe that light is waiting for me. I won’t be contained forever with only one way out. I’ll get to the finish line, to my spring, to fresh air, to wide open spaces.

Swept Up

In having my kids looked after by my parents for the weekend!
It’s not quite as glamorous as it sounds. Scott and I will be cleaning out the garage and packing. Who am I kidding…Scott will be cleaning out the garage. In my defense I have been packing on my own with some help from my mom. So, it’s his turn. Then we go to the island on Sunday. It should be fun in all of this fog. Seriously. What is going on with this fog? I am looking forward to some quiet this weekend and just refuel.

11 thoughts on “dizzy

  1. Dorkys Ramos

    Maybe going on automatic helps us blur out the hard spots so they don’t weigh down our hearts so much. Sensitive people feel everything tenfold and it can take a toll after a while.

    I also want to reach clear open spaces, to not feel forced to either move backwards or forwards. I feel like I have blinders on because I’ve been to scared to see everything around me and how great things can be.

    Here’s hoping we both get out of this tunnel when we’re ready to truly appreciate the fresh air.

  2. you gotta wonder

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. There are so many ways we can experience “hard times.” I place my trust in God’s word – perseverence through life’s trials are a blessing.

    Enjoy your upcoming respite.

  3. Heidi

    dorkys, i think what you said is true. there is this self-preservation that kicks in. it’s called survival i think. i would like to move on from survival.

    thank you for sharing where you’re at. fear can be paralyzing and i have hope that you can get through it. i really do. i wish you well on your journey and hope for brighter, clearer spaces for you.

    you gotta wonder, thank you. you are so sweet and kind. i think it’s that it has been such a long go of it that is making me so tired, but i know i’ve learned so much already. i think i’m just ready for this part of my life to get better. 🙂

  4. LMN

    I like to think that every time I have a new “hard time” it makes my heart that much bigger and more compassionate for others. I don’t know if it’s true, but I like to think that, because then I hold on, knowing SOMETHING good will come of it, even just a new depth in my soul that makes happiness that much sweeter when it’s there.

    Thinking of you, and yes (!) also hoping the fog clears, figuratively and literally. We are having it here in Seattle, too, and people can’t stop crashing into each other. It’s horrible.

  5. dawn

    tunnels just blow sometimes. for me, my patience can wear thin when i’m in the thick of the seemingly neverending darkness.

    i hope your weekend on the island will be some bright, warm light for you as you navigate your way through 🙂

  6. you gotta wonder

    Hi Heidi,

    I came back to visit because I had a really long, really exhausting day that left me feeling tired and sad. I’m about 3 months into a new job (long story) and it has been a constant uphill battle. By the end of the day I feel like I’ve been in a boxing ring for 10 rounds and I’m happy to still be standing (or staggering). Maybe I needed to remind myself about perseverence and blessings, or maybe I needed to remind myself that I’m not alone. Maybe I needed to remind myself that my network extends beyond the ends and the middle of my daily commute.

    I’m glad to know you. You bring a light to my world. I hope I am able to return the favor, even just a little.


  7. Linda Sue

    I know this tunnel- too well…I have slipped and fallen backwards – then it is a bitch to get footing again! Don’t let that happen, dear Heidi- This winter is such a hyperbole! Only January and it seems like we have been out there in the cold gettin old for a century! Stay warm – look at bright colours! Prozac is my friend when it gets ridiculous and even tricks won’t snap me back…The dark can get SO DARK! Stay well! You are not alone by any measure!

  8. Kate Coveny Hood

    I think I spend most of my life on automatic. I’m trying to change that – but sometimes wonder, “and why didn’t I have this attitude when I was in college and actually had TIME???”

    I think there’s a bit of a traffic jam in the tunnel right now. But if we can keep moving forward slowly – we’ll all make it out!

  9. Heidi

    hi all, thanks for all of your well wishes and kind words.
    This tunnel of mine is more circumstantial than anything else and being on automatic for me right now is a little about survival and self-preservation and simply getting through. This isn’t something I can avoid. It has just been going on for a long while now; hence, the blog post. I have hope though that it will get better.
    You guys are the sweetest!

  10. kendalee

    Aww Heidi, I know you have all it takes to hang in there and get to the light and space at the end of the tunnel but it’s still horrid when you’re moving through the dark confines, just putting one foot in front of another… So sorry to hear this is where you’re at. I’m thinking of you, and I hope what’s left of the tunnel is short!

  11. tiff

    I hope you are feeling better soon. It’s hard feeling as though you are just going through the motions, that things aren’t moving along the way they should. Biggest hugs.

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