I’m living on automatic. For all of my talk of getting in the game I’ve been in this particular stretch – this leg of the race – too long. That post was written for me more than anyone. I’m living off of guts, nerve, and the sham of I’m fine. That the weight of not meeting our bills isn’t making me dizzy. That there are some family issues I won’t talk about here out of respect…repercussion…that leave me helpless…and the guilt…there are no words for the guilt. That I’m so tired of saying I’m tired. I’m fine is the best I can come up with.
I believe in taking risks. In going for it. In living from the heart. In living life to its fullest. I wholeheartedly do. I believe in a light at the end of the tunnel.
Because I’m in a tunnel. A you can’t go around it you’ve gotta go through it tunnel. If I keep walking, if I keep moving I’ll get there. To the end where the light is.
I know that life isn’t just a game or a race. That sometimes it’s a walk or a stroll, there can be peace and stillness, or fun. Remember fun? I know this. But this is the season, the journey, the tunnel I’m in. I’m not in wide open spaces yet.
So, I’m on automatic which goes against me. I made a choice long ago to not live that way. Some things get done automatically, but as a way of life? I can’t do that. I have to be connected. I have to know where I am and how I’m feeling. Not every moment of the day. One can only do so much navel-gazing. But, to feel. It’s a priority to feel.
With hope, with a shred of faith I believe that light is waiting for me. I won’t be contained forever with only one way out. I’ll get to the finish line, to my spring, to fresh air, to wide open spaces.
In having my kids looked after by my parents for the weekend!
It’s not quite as glamorous as it sounds. Scott and I will be cleaning out the garage and packing. Who am I kidding…Scott will be cleaning out the garage. In my defense I have been packing on my own with some help from my mom. So, it’s his turn. Then we go to the island on Sunday. It should be fun in all of this fog. Seriously. What is going on with this fog? I am looking forward to some quiet this weekend and just refuel.