Can you keep going if your destination hasn’t been determined yet?
I am not a big picture thinker. I am about the short term. I do what’s put in front of me. I rarely know what’s out on the horizon.
I wonder if I need to know. Would it make me a better person to have that part of my life figured out? To have my career sown up? Would there be more value to my life if I knew? Would I be more content knowing where I was going and doing everything I could to make it happen?
When I ask my kids what they want to be when they grow up I could ask me the same question. Ben wants to be a looker flashlight guy with suction cups, a shooting gun, and a walkie talkie. Annie changes her mind every day. One day it’s a ballet teacher. Another day it’s a person that looks for dinosaur bones. For a second she shared in Ben’s dream. They could be a crime fighting brother and sister duo. For just a minute I want to be three…and five…believing I can be anything I want to be complete with a backpack to hold the suction cups, gun, and a walkie talkie although I think I would prefer a cell phone.
Will I look back and think I could have done more? I should have done more to make a go of my dreams. Will I, a decade from now, hate myself for not pursuing what could have been? Maybe. If only I had an idea of what could be.
I don’t know what my dreams are. I thought I knew. I thought I was sure. But, I don’t know and right now I don’t want to fix it. I want to wonder and dream and think and imagine. In response to my uncertain future my kids, wide-eyed and serious, said, “But Mommy, you’re all grown up”. I am, but my dreams aren’t. The picture isn’t entirely colored in and filled out yet. There isn’t a line on the horizon, but I’ll chase the unknown until my dreams take shape.
I’m not lacking, but I am unfinished. I am completely incomplete. I don’t know where the road leads, but I’m walking.
In lemon meringue pie
My mom made me a fresh from scratch lemon meringue pie and it is incredible. Not only is it delicious, but it takes me back to my childhood. A childhood where I ate a lot of this pie. So much so that I had to take a break from it for years because of the ridiculous amount I ate. Now, I’ve returned to my love of the lemon meringue pie. Yum.