completely incomplete

Can you keep going if your destination hasn’t been determined yet?

I am not a big picture thinker. I am about the short term. I do what’s put in front of me. I rarely know what’s out on the horizon.

I wonder if I need to know. Would it make me a better person to have that part of my life figured out? To have my career sown up? Would there be more value to my life if I knew? Would I be more content knowing where I was going and doing everything I could to make it happen?

When I ask my kids what they want to be when they grow up I could ask me the same question. Ben wants to be a looker flashlight guy with suction cups, a shooting gun, and a walkie talkie. Annie changes her mind every day. One day it’s a ballet teacher. Another day it’s a person that looks for dinosaur bones. For a second she shared in Ben’s dream. They could be a crime fighting brother and sister duo. For just a minute I want to be three…and five…believing I can be anything I want to be complete with a backpack to hold the suction cups, gun, and a walkie talkie although I think I would prefer a cell phone.

Will I look back and think I could have done more? I should have done more to make a go of my dreams. Will I, a decade from now, hate myself for not pursuing what could have been? Maybe. If only I had an idea of what could be.

I don’t know what my dreams are. I thought I knew. I thought I was sure. But, I don’t know and right now I don’t want to fix it. I want to wonder and dream and think and imagine. In response to my uncertain future my kids, wide-eyed and serious, said, “But Mommy, you’re all grown up”. I am, but my dreams aren’t. The picture isn’t entirely colored in and filled out yet. There isn’t a line on the horizon, but I’ll chase the unknown until my dreams take shape.

I’m not lacking, but I am unfinished. I am completely incomplete. I don’t know where the road leads, but I’m walking.

Swept Up

In lemon meringue pie
My mom made me a fresh from scratch lemon meringue pie and it is incredible. Not only is it delicious, but it takes me back to my childhood. A childhood where I ate a lot of this pie. So much so that I had to take a break from it for years because of the ridiculous amount I ate. Now, I’ve returned to my love of the lemon meringue pie. Yum.

16 thoughts on “completely incomplete

  1. kendalee

    Wow, lemon meringue pie came up in my post yesterday too – how serendipitous! It’s one of my faves.

    As for knowing what we want to be when we grow up… Very few people really seem to know this, let alone become it. I’ve resigned myself to an epitaph like Sir Walter Raleigh’s which is “Neither a substance perfect, nor a substance inchoate.” I think this takes the pressure off *getting there* in some complete form and allows us to be always growing and changing (and changing our minds) along the way… As you so beautifully put it, completely incomplete!

  2. sugarlens

    Those who know exactly what they want to be when they grow up and actually achieving it are extremely fortunate. I, on the other hand, am still searching.

    Great post Heidi! This post really spoke to me.

  3. Linda Sue

    Hi Heidi- Lemon pie is my all time fave! I could never ever get enough! But there is that pesky “cup of tea” problem- all the sugar settles to the bottom…This life is not about getting there where ever there is…Doing this -doing that loving what you do…that’s pretty much it I think.

  4. Kate Coveny Hood

    To be honest – I often think that the “you can be anything you want to be” promises of our childhood may have done us (or at least “me”) a disservice. I really bought into this idea, but the minute I graduated college, it was like, “okay – now what.” No one ever tells you how to get there.

  5. dawn

    don’t forget to skip along your way sometimes! and some of those really interesting diversions that lead you down other paths will eventually get you there as well!

    lemon meringue pie….YUM. darn you heidi! now i’m jonesing….

  6. Heidi

    kendalee, i am a mind-changer. without a doubt. i think that is part of the problem for me…i’m trying to see it as something positive rather than negative. thank you for your words.

    sugarlens, oh, i hope you find what you’re searching for.
    i am trying to be about the ‘journey’ of this. to let it be when i overthink it all. i wish you all the best.

    linda sue, i think you might be right. the going along and loving what i do…i think i need to find more loves to love if that makes sense.

    kch, i think you’re right. there are all of these possibilities, but it’s the how to that makes it so hard sometimes. i like having my answers laid out in front of me and with this? i don’t have any. so, i get that spinning wheels thing. it’s alright though. for right now i’m letting it breathe on its own. okay, didn’t i just leave a comment like this at your blog. sheesh! perhaps i should be on a couch somewhere while you counsel me. 🙂

  7. Heidi

    dawn, it’s the diversions i’m looking forward to….expecting even.
    ha! i think i’m going to have a slice right now!

  8. thezeninyou

    You just described me! I am completely incomplete. As you may recall, I had a wee bit of a freak out about this a few weeks back…lol.

    Today I a loving the fact that life is leading me for awhile. I ask myself, “If I knew what my dream was and when I got it, would I really be happier?” Right now it’s about the journey. Each morning when I get up my journey begins. Who knows what I may encounter during the day (it seems exciting for some reason). I like not have the pressure of having to accomplish some task to get to my dream. Personally, I truly believe that the journey is more important than achieving the dream.

  9. Khaled KEM

    I love lemon pie and all kind of pies!

    I use to be a planner for the big picture, the future, what should be done and how success could be reached?!

    I learned (in fact still learning) to focus on the present and the short term future (could be days/weeks/few months), live the moment wisely and enjoyably…never thought about what I missed…

    Satisfaction relies in the peace of soul and not letting that soul dribbling every where ups and downs…just a thought!!

  10. you gotta wonder

    Every time I think I’ve figured out where I’m heading, I get redirected. I think it’s best if you’re happy where you are and happy with where you seem to be going. And if you can manage that, why the only thing that could make it better is a nice slice of lemon meringue pie!

  11. tanya

    I so want to plan ahead and figure it out but I really am just bumbling along and sort of hoping for something good.

    Pie is good. Maybe I’ll be pie when I grow up…

  12. Heidi

    tziy, the journey just might be more important than achieving the goal or dream. i think my whole life has been that way and you know what? i think i’m alright with that. as long as i can achieve a couple of things along the way and feel like all of this work is for something. 🙂

    khaled, it is so important to be centered and grounded – to have peace, like you said – so you can weather the ups and downs of life.

    ygw, hahaha!! lemon pie does make everything better. pie…chocolate…ice cream…any of those will do.

    tanya, yeah…i know…sometimes all the planning in the world won’t save you. sometimes we have to live and let live. i mean that in a good way – not in a shutting myself up in a dark room listening to sad music kind of way.

  13. LMN

    I can so relate to this: currently reading a book called the Middle Passage which reflects on a stage in (mid) life where we realize the disconnect between who we visualize ourselves to be and who we are with our limitations and our personality restraints and everything else. And then it becomes about bridging the gap, letting go of our old selves (or at least the trappings that keep us contained) and embracing the freedom of who we actually aspire to be. I think I got that right. I need to finish the book. 😉

    And Keep Walking! As you no doubt know, there is no way to go but forward!

  14. Loraleigh

    I mostly just want to leave a comment so that you know I read this and am walking with you. I don’t have anything interesting to add. :-)Know that I love you.

  15. Heidi

    lmn, you’ll have to tell me more when you finish the book…it sounds fascinating!

    loraleigh, i love you too.
    and you? you, friend, always have something interesting to add. 🙂

    lisa, oh, the journey. who would we be without that?

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