Life always goes on. No matter how many meltdowns, no matter the epiphany life moves along regardless of what’s going on with you.

I’m wondering if a calling is code for people that don’t know what they’re doing with their lives while Ben is telling me about his new invisible friend, Chaffa. A few new friends have popped up lately. Like Cakey. Cakey likes cake, of course. Ben’s not sure if this friend, Chaffa, is a she or a he. I’m pondering my future and there’s trans gender Chaffa and I’m bugged by how Annie’s hair keeps falling over her face. That’s life.

It’s messy and imperfect and spontaneously hanging out with my new neighbors for a couple of hours. Its more shades of gray than black and white. It’s cracking open my car window to let the sun warm my face. It is Annie running a fever and us begging her to take some Tylenol. It is snuggles and reading one more chapter and playing I Spy while we’re out for breakfast. It is an uncertain future for one brother and wedding planning for the other. It is stupid jokes and awkward embraces. It is cups of coffee and long lazy Sundays. It is phone calls with old friends. It is being embarrassed and still blushing when you remember. It is fun and funny and cranking up the music in your car on a cloudless the sky couldn’t be bluer day. It is a business started on a wing and a prayer that might make it after all. It is families and fights and the kind of laughter you share with the people that love you the most, the people that understand you the best.

I don’t always get life. Why it does what it does. Why this direction and not that one. It moves. It goes whether we’re in it or not. Meltdowns, epiphanies, questions, resolutions and everything else this is my life. As long as I’m not filled with regret or torn apart by fear or worse, never cared, I’m doing alright. This is my life and I’m in.

Swept Up

In Fancy Nancy by Jane O’Connor
I took my kids to Storytime at Chapters over Spring break and the book they were reading was the original from the series of Fancy Nancy. I had never heard of this book and now Annie and I are quite taken with this little girl who says things like ooh la la and parfaits and fuchsia which is fancy for purple.

10 thoughts on “in

  1. Brandi

    oh heidi, i love your list of the messy and beautiful things that this life has for us to embrace! you have a gift for amazing writing and touching people with your words…me included – thank you!

  2. LMN

    Love it love it love it! When I get home tonight I am going to look up some language I read in a little book I picked up – just for fun (“French Women Don’t Sleep Alone”) and send it to you.

    As always, love your writing. Your summaries of “life” in that middle paragraph are just fantastic.

    Wish I could take you to coffee and laugh with you about Chaffa and Cakey. I think for sure I would like Cakey.

  3. Linda Sue

    “it goes whether we’re in it or not” and sometimes as thought we never even made it out the front door. Like the snow that was SO here and now – no evidence, as thought it never happened…a ghost of a dream- sort of there but not…yup, Heidi- life is a big “?”. Whatever- I am certainly glad to share the same time slot as you- you make it more profound an experience. Thanks!

  4. sugarlens

    Life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned. But it’s the little things that count. It’s the little things that make your life full. Great post Heidi!

  5. Suz Broughton

    Your Ben and my Ben should have a party and bring their invisible friends!
    My daughter loves Fancy Nancy. The writer is local–Irvine. It is awesome.

  6. LMN

    So, I went to find that passage in the book – though some of it is trite and silly, I did like what it had to say about French women being able to embrace the feminine side, which includes accepting complication in ourselves. We ARE complicated, and unpredictable. And that is a feminine thing, and French women have maintained it as their perogative, while (American) women have tried to abandon it. (At least that’s what the books says). “French women never relinquished the right to be capricious. And it’s time to reclaim this unfairly maligned feminine trait.” I know this is a little different than what you are saying, but with the ups, downs, questions and answers of life and the searching, oh the searching … I just liked the idea of accepting the unexpected emotions and changes and feelings I have in myself rather than fighting it. Rather than trying to abandon it. Wherever you are in all of your various descriptions and all the uncertainty that makes up life, I hope you find more acceptance and peace in there, too.

  7. Anonymous

    Hello Heidi–
    I love your blog! And thanks for mentioning my new book, “French Women Don’t Sleep Alone.” I love your comments and if you’d like, I’ll send you a copy to give away on your blog. Merci, Jamie

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