letting my guard down (for a minute…or two)

I am that person that is lost among the other persons who have their shit together. In my life I have the great fortune to know strong, beautiful, talented, with jobs – careers even – women. They aren’t perfect. They don’t profess to be. They are these lovely individuals that struggle and do their best and work hard. Oh, and they are mothers too. I adore these women and I feel myself shrinking when I’m around them. I hate that I do that. I am not a shrinking sort of person. And I should know better. I should know better than to think less of myself. And these women? These fine women? They would never think I’m less than. But, I shrink.

I know I wrote that post about the beauty of the journey, not to worry about the destination and that’s what it’s all about clap, clap hokey pokey style and I meant it, I think? But, truthfully, I feel lost.

Here, on this page, it states I’m a motivational speaker. I am. Sometimes. When I do it I like it. A lot. There is a lot of life for me in front of people. It’s not a regular job though. I’ve tried to get myself out there, but it’s a tough gig. There are a lot of people like me out there speaking with their seven steps (I don’t have any steps) and goal achieving and fear conquering. I’ve thought about the book thing – the book to pimp out…promote – that you bend your speeches to. But everybody has a book. There are a lot of amputees out there with stories more harrowing than mine. They had to cut their arm or leg off while trapped under a log on a remote island with little to zero chance of rescue or their limb grew gangrenous from frostbite while climbing Everest. Please, I’m not trying to be cruel or belittle someone’s anything. There is nothing wrong with having a book or steps in your speeches or climbing Everest. What I am saying is that there are a lot of people out there with body and soul crushing injuries that have a story to tell.

What sets me apart? What makes me unique?

For the most part I’m at home with my kids and I’ve heard it said that it is the hardest job on earth. Spare me. Us moms? We know that. We get that it’s the hardest job. We wouldn’t carry all of that guilt around if it wasn’t. I get that, but there is still something missing from my life. Whether it is about achieving serenity at home or getting a hobby or discovering the elusive link in my life.

Before you think I’m making excuses I’ll beat you to it and say that maybe I am. I can’t say with complete certainty that I’m making excuses because I’m lost. And I’m a mind-changer to boot. I don’t know what I want to do or need to do and maybe it doesn’t matter. But, it matters to me.

I don’t want to be a whiner and I fear I sound like a whiner. I don’t feel like a whiner. I am for better or worse trying to work this out. I know this is reading like a journal entry. My scattered thoughts that I would normally reserve for my leather bound journal tucked away in my nightstand.

I don’t want to be fixed. I’m good at that. I can spot my problems from miles away. I’m not saying I don’t need help. Nobody is above help. But I do not want to be fixed. There is a difference.

This could all be in my head. Maybe I’m absolutely fine with being at home and speaking when the opportunity arises and pulling a room together (I really like picking out floors and looking at paint samples and choosing what style of cabinet goes with all of the black and white tile in my bathroom). Maybe I’m happy with that, but something else in my head says I couldn’t be. The part of me that shrinks and says this couldn’t possibly be enough. There has to be more and why haven’t I found it yet. Maybe. Or something is missing. There is a void and it has yet to be identified.

I think this may be the longest post I have ever written.

Clearly, I am venting here. Clearly. The sun could come out tomorrow and I’ll throw my head back and laugh and say, what was that all about anyway? Chalk it up to a bad day, to I’m tired, to I’m hungry. And that’s it, isn’t it? I am tired. I am hungry. I’m tired from the last six months that filled my days with anxiety and chaos and hanging on by a thread. But, it filled my life. Now? I’m in recovery. The things that filled my life aren’t there anymore and I’m empty. Hungry for what’s next.

Swept Up

In a morning to myself
I am going to get up, have my coffee, and soak up the quiet before I pick up my kids and go to a friend’s place. There is nothing like the quiet of a morning. It’s my favorite time of the day.

(I don’t know who took that photo… it’s taken somewhere on the island by someone that put it on a tourism site. I love the way the sun is coming through the clouds. It looks so peaceful and promising.)

18 thoughts on “letting my guard down (for a minute…or two)

  1. kendalee

    You don’t sound like a whiner to me – in the least! Together people know themselves well, even when they aren’t sure where they are or where they’re going, they still know themselves and keep moving… And it sounds to me like you do both. I find that inspirational! x

  2. you gotta wonder

    Hmmm. I’m thinking “honest and insightful.” Does it feel like you are on the cusp of something?

  3. Jenn Bateman

    I’ll say this to you when I see you too, but you deserve your next.

    You invested in your family, your home, your husband, your future. You have put yourself out there a LOT. And you deserve the chance to do and have something (else) in your life that you love and something to look forward to.

    I appreciate such an incredibly vulnerable blog post. I have been here before myself. I am hopeful for you.

  4. Heidi

    kendalee, i always appreciate your kindness and your insight. here. on your blog. thank you.

    ygw, maybe i’m on the cusp. i hope i’m on the cusp. it doesn’t have to be anything out of this world – just an answer to that missing thing. even a hint of an answer would do.
    thank you, fran.

    jenn, my friend, jenn. i know i’ll see you in a few hours and i can say it to your face, but i’ll say it here. thank you. i really, really, more than i can express appreciate this. love you lots.

  5. Anastasia

    you gotta wonder nailed it…
    i am excited for you and your life…

    jealous in the i am totally coveting your life jealous!! but excited for you!

    loved seeing you… never enough time.

  6. Kate Coveny Hood

    Well I can’t say anything about long posts…

    I thought this was wonderfully honest. I just read a post from another friend about envy – so I think it’s universal.

    I know that people think I “do it all” with my job and kids. But the truth is that I do it all half assed. And I hate my job.

    I want to write a book – even if it never gets published (although that might be kind of sad). But who has the time? I’m envious of those who do.

    But I still like them. And I’ll totally read their book.

  7. Anna See

    You are not a whiner!

    You expressed very real thoughts that so many of us have had. What next? What am I going to be when I grow up? Am I just biding time here at home? It’s easy to feel lost.

    I think STORY is what ties us all together. When you give a speech (or when you blog) you are giving the story of yourself. Sometimes that is very dramatic, and sometimes it may be the mundane of making it through the day. Don’t quit sharing yourself and your story. 🙂

  8. dawn

    it’s okay to be restless.
    to me, you’re finding out what you’re made of.
    that’s the most important journey of all.
    and you’ll find it, heidi. because when you think of the times in the past when you’ve gone on similar paths looking for the turn in the road that seemed the best fit for you, you’ve found your way.

    i believe in you.

  9. Heidi

    stace, you are one of those people in my life that i admire and just like being around – you go for it and you work it out. it’s inspiring.

    kch, i would absolutely read your book!! I would read anything you write. i’m looking forward to that “I’m writing a book!” announcement.

    lesley, ha! just mix with chocolate and we are a lethal combination.

    anna see, thank you. i like this, “I think STORY is what ties us all together.” this is so true. our stories, no matter how they vary, are what we have in common.

    dawn, you have this knack for saying the perfect thing. thank you, my bloggy friend. thank you for believing.

  10. thezeninyou

    I love this post! It’s raw and honest. I think it’s wonderful to release this, it’s the beginning of healing. You are like a gardener… it’s been a long winter and now it’s time to inspect the flower bed. Cut out the weeds and sift through the dead earth. Let the warm sun rejuvenate the soil and allow the buds to rise… Your journey is just beginning, let nature guide and nurture your soul…

  11. Linda Sue

    Heidi Dearest wonderment ! Sounds to me…like ME! The part of the ride that just sort of hums along in an off key way…That’s when I drag our glue and start sticking things together- or a wad of wool and jab it into some kind of form.Sometimes I just go to my meditation spot- the thrift store and wander, thoughts get sorted, stuff tells me stories and I nearly always feel better having viewed the toss away items of other’s lives. I forget about dinner and let someone else do it (rare, but it happens)…I think it is the time for the dough to rest, so to speak. Something will be made of it but it can not be forced. I think that “on the cusp” is right on!
    Cheers to you! You are exactly where you ought to be, but I do know what you are talking about….LOVE YOU

  12. Khaled KEM

    Heidi…It hit us all from time to time to stop and think about our lives? What did we achieve and what we did not? We look at our recent situation and see where we stand compared to others?

    Actually this is a good process to do from time to time if we learn from it. We make these moments, moments of observation and reflections. Sometimes we have all we need but it is just one part that is missing and this part makes us feel kind of empty. I mean by that “Personnel Satisfaction”. Between family, regular job, and the routine of life the itch of doing something special, different, and creative push us to ask those questions about ourselves and about our lifes? Are we happy or not?

    It’s not bad to try to dig deep inside to discover what we are capable of? It could be a simple thing we discover and doing it would give us the missing piece in our life.

  13. Isabella Snow

    IME, when you start having thoughts like these, you’re meant to start heading in the direction you think you least need to move in. But that may just be me. I know what you mean about the “what’s special about me” thing — I’ve had so many people tell me that I should write my life story, with all the crazy shit that’s happened; and I would come back with, “well, yes, these things may have been awful, but it’s not like I’ve ever lost a limb or something horrible like that.”

    The point is, your story is always going to be interested to more people than not. It doesn’t stand out to, because you’ve done it. Try writing a book just for you and see what happens.

  14. Heidi

    tziy, you know, i think you might be right about healing. that’s what it feels like lately. an ending of sorts, but also a beginning and hopefully onto something new. thank you for this.

    linda sue, i don’t know how you do it, but you manage to find these incredible stories to go along with your finds. I love that. i learn from it. your curiosity knows no bounds. you inspire adventure!

    khaled, it’s like you said, it’s good to dig deep and find out what we’re capable of. i hope to find out. thank you for your kind and wise words.

    isabella, maybe you should write your story…after reading that list…you have a fascinating life! hmmm…maybe i should be moving in the direction i least want to move in. i hadn’t thought about it like that. now you’ve got me thinking…

  15. LMN

    Heidi – sometimes it is like you are in my brain, in my emotions, in my thoughts. I can relate to almost every heartfelt, aching, searching, confident yet yearning ounce of that post.

    Depending on where you live in Canada (I need to go look up the name again), one of these days I just might drive up to meet you. I always love a good road trip. I love how you just put yourself out there. And in such an eloquent, connecting way, too.

    I think you should publish a book of all your blog posts. Keep going for awhile and you’ll be there. 🙂 It is like a diary at times, but has a bunch of great advice and insights along the way, and more than anything is something that people can RELATE to, and because of that, it boosts us up and says it is okay to feel this way and it is okay to keep going.

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