the other side

I know about acceptance. I understand survivor inside and out. I can fight and win. What happens when that is what you do best, but it isn’t what you want to do anymore?

We reach markers in our lives. We hit milestones and we think, finally, this is our time. I’ve overcome. I’ve endured. Now, I’m going to run and what did Michael Scott say in last week’s episode of The Office? Oh, that’s right. “You don’t know how high I can fly.” We’re going to fly.

For a long while now there has been room for one dream in this house. The dream of running a successful business. And there has been room for only one dreamer in this house because the other person, the life partner, has to tether the dreamer’s feet to the ground or he’ll float away. Let me tell you, think hard before you have this bright idea of being an entrepreneur. Think it through because, depending on the business, you’ll sleep and sweat and bleed the business and take others with you.

Scott fights for his business. He works his ass off and sometimes it isn’t enough. Over the years we have fought, met in the middle and we’ve made choices. I am always for him. We might disagree, but I believe in him. He has more integrity than most people I know. I know that if we, and it has to be we, didn’t pursue this there would have been deep regret. Too many what ifs. He would have suffered which means all of us would have suffered. Scott is an entrepreneur. It is a part of his identity. To snuff that out – to say no more, which I have come close to doing, would have and this is no exaggeration killed his spirit. He would lose himself. I wouldn’t be married to the guy I married.

We have risked a lot for this and I can say that it’s worth it. It’s worth it because of what we’re committed to. Scott and I are opposites, but we have a mutual goal…a mission if you will…of living life to its fullest. And part of that means this business. It hasn’t been to the detriment of us. It could have been, but we have commitments of partnership, friendship, love and respect. For the record, he is completely for me. When I give speeches he is my techie, my purse carrier and my sounding board afterward. And if I could figure out what I wanted to do these days he would support that.

With a dream like that – when it is the center of your universe – my dreams took a backseat. I wasn’t told, it’s my dreams or else. I don’t need permission to dream, but when a dream is more than 9 to 5 and you’re stretched so thin you think you might snap you stop dreaming.

Scott is reaching his markers and hitting some milestones. We have sold our house and here we are. I have come through the tunnel and I’m in wide open spaces and I don’t know what to do. This could be my time. It looks as though it could be my time and I am scared.

I am good at surviving. I am excellent at getting through. I can make ends meet. I can manage a crisis. I know who I am. I am whole. Now what? Now what?

Swept Up

In Friday Night Lights
I know I have talked about this show before, but I think it is one of the best shows out there and deserves talk. It is one of the most honest, true to life, well-acted shows I have ever seen. I still can’t fathom why Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton (coach and his wife, Tami) haven’t been nominated for an Emmy. Last week’s episode where Tami talks to her daughter, played by the lovely Aimee Teegarden, about her relationship with her boyfriend, Matt Saracen played by Zach Gilford, brought me to tears. I don’t know how they pull it off. It’s not contrived or after school special or 90210. It’s just real, for lack of a better word, and I can’t get enough. I hear there might be another 2 seasons…please, let it be true!

12 thoughts on “the other side

  1. Suz Broughton

    I could have written this. I mean, not as well as you, but you and I are living in a lot of respects, the same life.”And there has been room for only one dreamer in this house,” has been what we have lived for ten years.
    It’s all so true. But, I wouldn’t want Larry any other way. I wouldn’t want him to not dream, to not reach.
    Great. Great. Great. Post.
    Suz
    PS listen to the song I posted tonight by colin hay called “Waiting for my real life to begin.” It’s relevant.

  2. Heidi

    suz, i couldn’t get the sound on the song for some reason. i’ll try it again.
    thank you, suz. i just so enjoy you and wish i could be out there enjoying some lunch and some bossing. 😉

    brandi, thank you so much. me too! 🙂

  3. dawn

    i’ve been listening to the band shrift for the last few weeks non-stop. there’s a song of theirs that i’m particularly in love with called: “as far as i can see”. ……. “as far as i can see, i’ll follow with an open mind. as far as i can see, i’ll follow with my heart.”

    know what i mean?

    breathe. xxooo

  4. kendalee

    Oh I so get this Heidi. Sometimes when we are able to lift our eyes to the horizon after focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other for so long, it’s disorientating. Your strengths will find a new direction, a new expression. Have no doubt! I believe it! For you and for me. Maybe we just need to allow ourselves to take a moment, to pause, to take in and enjoy the view before we start to dance around in all that space, fly even? I’m sure we’ll remember (or learn) how. We haven’t always been in a tunnel…

    I’m cheering for you!

  5. you gotta wonder

    I am totally getting what you’re saying. Our lives are different, but I’m sharing that sense of being on the cusp. And the fear. I’m trying to take the next step. I know if I’m aligned with God’s will, He will lift me and keep me from harm. But still I wrestle with fear.

  6. Maggie, Dammit

    This sounds like a very scary place to be, but honestly, honestly, HONESTLY, who else better for this place but you? You can do this. You can do anything. I know it.

    (and really, two more seasons?? Where did you hear? God I hope so.)

  7. Heidi

    dawn, breathing…breathing…

    kendalee, “Sometimes when we are able to lift our eyes to the horizon after focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other for so long, it’s disorientating.” Isn’t this the truth?? You put this perfectly. That is how I feel.

    Yeah, let’s do this, take the leap, and see what happens. 🙂

    ygw, it’s amazing that fear can have so much power, but my plan is to face it and do it (whatever it is) anyway.

    maggie, thanks, sweet girl. i think i’m surprised by the scariness.

    I read it in Entertainment Weekly I believe…2 more seasons! I’m just not ready to say goodbye to that show yet.

  8. Suz Broughton

    I know! I would LOVE to boss you around in person 🙂
    The sound is working now. I think you would love the song’s lyrics. Maria wrote them out in comments. take a lookie.
    Suz

  9. LMN

    I hope you enjoy the “wide open space” you find yourself in now. Getting through the tunnel is HUGE. Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate! And that you guys did it as a team. Loved your description of that. Please do something together to celebrate. Even just the little steps! Wahoo!

  10. Heidi

    suz, the lyrics are exactly where I’m at. again…thank you.

    lmn, celebrate. you’re right – i, we need to do that. after all the work some celebration is in order. how funny that we forget to stop and survey the handiwork before we move on.

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