hope floats

Avoid, avoid, avoid. Is anyone else guilty of this? That’s me, lately. Avoiding. Armed with distraction doing what I have to do to get by. Pay my bills, squeak through and gaze at the sun. (It’s almost disorienting seeing so much of the sun.) As for taking anything too seriously or pondering the mysteries inside my head I’m not doing that. I’m busy avoiding.

I’m skimming through my thoughts. I’m discarding anything that would be considered difficult. It’s all comfort food and burying my nose in books I’ve already read. There is something seriously wrong with me if I can’t make the effort to read a new book. I did pick up a John Grisham paperback the other day. Lawyers in Mississippi, bad deals, dirty politics…I wouldn’t expect anything less.

It isn’t like me…to hide. But, hidden I am. I’m like some waaay backwoods hermit building a log cabin with my bare hands. Who am I kidding? I would never live in the woods alone and I wouldn’t dare build anything with my bare hands. I’m a half-assed hermit. A smaller scale hermit? Someone that’s slightly inward, but still enjoys the company of others. Okay, I’m not a hermit at all. I give hermits a bad name.

I’m having a mental break. Not a breakdown, but a break. Like sipping mojitos and flipping through glossy magazines kind of break. I’m hiding. A little.

I’m not oozing sunshine these days and I don’t always believe every cloud has a silver lining. So what? I have hope.

Hope is what drives me. It’s about what’s possible. I can never stray too far and I can’t stay hidden because hope is waiting for me…like this tether for the soul. It anchors me and at the same time sets me free.

Swept Up


In Ben
We’ve had a rough few days with my boy, Benjamin, who had a severe asthma attack this week – one we couldn’t remedy at home. We brought him in to the hospital. Instead of being banished to the waiting room they took him in immediately and began treating him, then admitted him to the pediatric unit where he stayed for 3 nights.

We didn’t realize how serious all of this was until we were part of the way through. He had alarmingly low oxygen levels and he was way beyond just a little wheezing. He did really well though. He was an excellent patient and had the nurses wrapped around his little…actually…giant finger. He’s got ginormous hands.

Now we’re home armed with all the asthma goodies. We have boxes and boxes of medication, a nebulizer, and a referral for a pediatric asthma clinic. I think that’s where we fell short in all of this. We were given different information every time we brought him into emerg or saw a doctor. We just didn’t know what we were doing. Now we feel more informed and better prepared. Ben is doing much better and we are relieved and happy to have him back home.

(this is a leftover easter coloring eggs pic.)

13 thoughts on “hope floats

  1. Suz Broughton

    Look at how big your Ben is getting. I think the last picture you posted (that I remember) he was more “toddlerish.”

    It’s funny because ‘pondering the mysteries inside my head’ IS what I’m doing now, avoiding paying the bills and other things.

  2. kendalee

    A tether for the soul. I like that – a picture of a kite comes to mind… a kite of hope. I am so guilty of avoidance sometimes. And I used to feel SO guilty about it. I have tried to accept that it’s just a necessary part of my process now and that eventually I’ll move on. Less guilt. And I occasionally even manage to enjoy bits of it. The mojitos and magazine bits… :o)

    Glad to hear Ben’s feeling better and that you are reassured! Asthma can be so scary for all involved.

  3. amisare waswerebeen

    So glad to hear he’s okay. Give him an extra squeeze for me.

    Hiding is okay on occasion. Sometimes we just need a timeout before we go back out to face the problem again. Enjoy it and know that I’m hiding out along with you.

  4. Brandi

    i agree – hiding can be ok…taking a break once in a while is necessary…especially if you come out feeling just a little bit better than when you first started hiding. 🙂
    i’m sorry you had to go through that scary ordeal with your boy, but it sounds like he’s doing better and here’s hoping you don’t have to do that again!

  5. Kate Coveny Hood

    I’m currently hiding from all conflict. I don’t want to fight with anyone ever again. I don’t want to be “in trouble” for anything ever again. I just want life to be pleasant for the rest of mine. Is that unrealistic? Sorry – I didn’t hear your answer. I knew I wouldn’t like it so I tuned you out.

    As for Ben – thank goodness he’s okay! I know that realization that something is far serious than you thought.

  6. Chris

    So glad Ben is okay. It’s gotta be scary going through something like that, I’m sure.

    As for hiding, I’m doing much of the same. I can say it’s the whole unemployment-layoff thing. I’m feeling adrift these days. It’s easier to clean my house and decorate than to sit all day thinking about my situation. Thank God my husband’s job is okay so far (knock on wood). It’s a weird, scary time for us, but we’ll come out okay. Meanwhile, my house looks awesome and so so clean! 🙂

  7. tiff

    I’m so glad your Ben is feeling better. Illness can be so overwhelming.
    Biggest of hugs for you.

    Hope is everything.

  8. Heidi

    suz, i’m glad you are. like i said…you inspire me.

    kendalee, a kite…i like that.
    aren’t mojitos the best?? it’s all things summer to me – that drink.

    amisare, just a little while, right? and then we’ll have to come out of our hiding spots…

    brandi, i think i’m regrouping…that’s what i’ll call it. it sounds better than avoiding. 🙂

    kate, you can’t hear my response anyway… 😉 i’m sorry you’re in conflict though. i loathe being in conflict or in a fight with anyone except maybe scott. he can handle it.

    chris, i’m sorry. i really am. i hope things get better for you guys.
    i bet your house looks amazing. 🙂

    tiff, thank you! biggest hugs received and biggest hugs to you too.

  9. sugarlens

    Glad to hear Ben is okay and recovering!

    When my cousin was young, he had asthma. At that time he was living in Taiwan and because of its bad air, it was pretty bad for him. Then his family immigrated to New Zealand and, voila, no more asthma attacks!

    Maybe Ben will grow out of it eventually? Hopefully?

  10. dawn

    i’m glad ben is better. i can’t imagine anything more scary than that! prayers and love sending to you and ben, heidi.

    and as far as the mojitos, flipping through glossy magazines and gazing at the sun? nothing wrong in that! in fact, the more mojitos, the better those magazines read. 🙂

  11. LMN

    Oh what a darling. I am so glad to hear he’s doing better. I watched my little brother go through an asthma attack and turn blue and it was horrifying. So scary to have it happen to your little one. I’m so glad he’s back home!!

  12. Heidi

    flutter, he does.

    sugarlens, that’s pretty likely – that he’ll grow out of it. if not, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. but, for now, we have got it under control.

    dawn, i laughed at that – mojitos do brighten up just about everything.

    lmn, thanks, heather!

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