in treatment

It is almost impossible to be serious when the sun is shining. Almost. I found some time to be serious somewhere between my son giving my cheek a very wet kiss when I dropped him off at preschool and watching two stored up episodes of In Treatment this morning. This show has me fantasizing about sitting on a couch unloading every thought in my head to someone that is educated to listen. Where can I find someone like Paul but without all the neuroses?

A long time ago I had the equivalent of therapy in a year dedicated to finding my way again. The restoration of me. Or was it the resurrection of me? Either way I spent a year recovering from a car crash trying to come to terms with the magnitude of what happened.

I was trying to merge, forge my two selves together. The one before and the one after. The girl with feet and a few barely there scars and the girl with prosthetic feet with so many scars her body didn’t feel like her own. How was I going to get these two to meet in the middle…come to some kind of compromise where they could both exist?

There was a year of recovery. A year where there was enough time and space to meet the demand of getting my life back. Where I could sort and sift through my thoughts picking one up at a time instead of being chased by them. I could dwell on who I was and who I had become and join them with every emotion that goes into severing ties and creating new ones.

Lately, I find myself wanting that year. I don’t have a romantic version of what was. I know what kind of crazy that was. It’s the time I’m after. It’s the cocoon I want. Where I just get to be and live and grow and emerge from it a whole person.

It seems we are always confronted with befores and afters. We become mothers and fathers. We age. We find new jobs. Our plans fall through. New plans are formed. We face crisis. And when we do, when we become we are at the threshold of what was and what will be. Who am I? What do I want? What now?

We don’t want to leave everything behind, but we need to move forward. We’re unsure. It’s change, after all.

In my year of the equivalent of therapy I learned I could bring the former with me. I wasn’t going to look or be the same, but the core of me…the core is the same. The core can be stretched into any shape I am. I can’t replicate the cocoon that I want…I’m sure there are many of us that can’t have the cocoons we want, but we can give ourselves grace.

Grace…to make choices, to figure it out, and to stand at the threshold of change while we find our way.

Swept Up

In all things Easter
We had a good weekend of egg coloring, chocolate, egg hunting, paska (Have you heard of paska? My mom makes it every Easter. It’s this sweet bread that my mom covers, slathers in cream cheese icing…yum!) and more chocolate.

16 thoughts on “in treatment

  1. LENORENEVERMORE

    so true re;the core…it is still the same indeed. Guess it takes our lifetime to strech & mold…& renewing our minds daily. Thanks for sharing this! BIG-Plus, the kids pics are just too precious… XO* as always & much blessings!

  2. Chris

    Wow. That’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it?

    Thanks for stopping by. I’ve missed reading your encouraging words, too 🙂

  3. dawn

    heidi- you have lit me up with this beautiful, wonderful post.

    laughing at your question about paul…no, you can’t find anyone like paul but without the neuroses because all therapists are wounded healers and we become therapists because we ARE neurotic! hehe! but we mean well. we really do. and we’re human.
    it’s a great show, isn’t it? almost fair to my profession…certainly more realistic than most shows have depicted.
    you are so right about therapy providing a safe space where you can listen to yourself. and sometimes you might find that you need a safe space at different points in your life for a little “tune-up”. just to do a piece of work. i think integrating parts of ourselves as we grow and change is the greatest lesson that we can learn and you have done it with grace, humor and love.
    sorry for being so LONG winded!

    your easter pics are so adorable. and paska? OMG! sounds waaay too yums.

  4. thezeninyou

    What an amazing post Heidi! You are so right about out core. It can be stretched, but will always remain the same. Our core is our spirit center, our soul’s home. In a way our core is like our cocoon…we can retreat to our core through meditation, prayer, etc. Our core is always a place of peace and strength… Very nice to read this today!

  5. Linda Sue

    Oh Hiedi- You are quite something- yes, therapy, it did nothing for me because i felt bad for the therapist and ended up asking him all kinds of questions, listening and soothing…hahaha jokes on my wallet!
    Agree about Paul- he creates a want in me even with the baggage…at least it is attractive baggage…no?

  6. Dorkys Ramos

    Very thoughtful post. I wish I could get some cocoon time too, though I’ve chalked the past year as something similar: time to grow, change, figure out what’s the next step. It’s never easy leaving the old familiar you for the next you, but it’s usually necessary for the sake of progress.

    My coworker has told me about In Treatment, but I’ve never seen an episode.

  7. Heidi

    thanks all!

    as for Paul…it’s the tone and the posture…I could listen to him or have him listen to me for ages. I know he’s fictional, but he’s so soothing…love him…neuroses and all. you’re right, dawn. every counselor, psychologist, etc. has issues…it’s probably what makes them so good at what they do.

    as for the show…give it a try for those of you that haven’t seen it. my favorite, favorite character/patient right now is April. and the interaction between paul and gina is great to watch too.

  8. curious girl (lisa)

    I’m addicted to the show!

    you so eloquently write of before/after/between in our lives. it’s so important to hold a piece of the trauma that is no longer hurtful in order to see the manifestation of grace and healing.

  9. LMN

    “We can give ourselves grace.” I love that. That is the goal in life, is it not. To achieve that grace, to live in it, to accept things, to grow with change, to be ourselves through it all. Lovely. I don’t know the show, but it sounds very interesting, and so does Paul. 😉

    And Easter looks like it was fabulous – paska sounds like a real treat! (Just what I DON’T need right around this time of year!)

  10. Kate Coveny Hood

    You are so right. I think I’ve been one to dwell on before a little too often – both the good and the bad. But in a way – that may be how keep in touch with the before me. I never want to lose her completely. Because she is worth remember and even emulating – both the good and the bad.

  11. kendalee

    Grace and healing. I think of it like a thread that runs through the past and the present and will be what links me back to me from the future. I need to see that so that I know that I can heal and will heal when I need to do it next… And to give me the courage to step into the future. I also wish for a cocoon sometimes but as you say, if that’s not possible, self-granted grace is good too.

  12. tanya

    Mmmm, paska…*rubs belly*

    Still some left hough the boy has been at it too.

    Your mom is fab. 🙂

  13. Isabella Snow

    Wow, what cuties! And wow, again, cos I found In Treatment right when you did, and I my previous blog post was about it, too. Ok, more about Gabriel Byrne, cos I’ve liked him for so long and didn’t know he was in a TV show now. Wow… what a coincidence, given that it’s hardly a new show!

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