Confession: I am 34 and still care too much about what others think. Shocking, I know. Me and 50 billion other women out there that feel the same way.
I spent most of my youth digging myself out of the people pleasing hole to emerge a confident, I’m okay with myself person. Then, I don’t know how or when it happened, I’ve dragged myself under again. How did this happen? I refuse to blame motherhood. It seems to be everyone’s go to target. It’s not marriage. I’m not going to accuse the people around me. Oh no, this is all about me. My choices. My problem. How I see me.
It crept up on me stealthy and sneaky. I have found myself justifying my decisions and looking for approval. I’ve been caught making a case for myself. I’ve been pleading my position.
I had this dream once (an actual in my sleep dream – not a vision or a well meaning wish) where I was in an open field that stretched out for miles. Part of this field was set up in stations. There were obstacle courses you could go through, activities to do and equipment to buckle on. There were slides to slide on. I attempted almost every station. I tried out and tried on. I slid. I jumped through hoops. At the very end I was heavy with fatigue and layers of clothes. Nothing seemed to fit right. Nothing suited me. The field was in front of me. I faced the miles that it went on for with no destination except the sun, shed my layers and began to walk.
I see what I’m doing. I’m wearing outfits that pull and stretch in all the wrong places. I’m putting on and piling up. And I want out from under something I’ve built. No one has done this to me. I learned a long time ago how to step out of the box. I’ve crossed the line. I’ve shut the lid and closed the latch.
I’m making decisions that I’m defending to others, but aren’t I defending them to me? These are not life or death decisions. They harm no one. I am my harshest judge and this is all in my head. I’m simply trying things out to see where I fit. Where do I belong? How do I see me?
I am the one with the tools. I just need to pick them up. I know how to do this and I’m going to let myself go.
*some of you may recognize that line. it is an en vogue (does anyone even remember them? i have heard rumors of a comeback) line from the song, free your mind. i’m not sure how it made its way into my head, but it did and it’s here. on my blog. i know that what they mean and what i mean are two entirely different things, but, whatever.
In Underdogs Unite
Kate from The Big Piece of Cake has started this website dedicated to the underdog in the blogosphere. She will even be hosting a spoof on blog awards which I thought was hilarious and I couldn’t help but say, sign me up!
Read what she has to say about Underdogs Unite.
Are you currently undiscovered? Do you have a new blog or business online and trying to get readers, customers or support? Were you nominated for an award you have no chance of winning? Or even better – did you nominate yourself? Are you just as talented if not MORE SO than the blogger who WILL win? Then you are an Underdog. And this is your chance to unmask. Tell the world (or the five people who visit this site) who you are and why your superpowers make the Internet a better place. Move over Superman and Wonderwoman – you’re not the only force to be reckoned with. Underdogs Unite!