made of

I have figured out what my problem is. It’s not earth-shattering. It did not rock me to my very core. My eyes just kinda popped when my mind’s light bulb turned on. I’m bored.

I started asking myself questions like what reaches me, what grabs my soul and demands that I listen. What challenges me because, seriously, I’m not challenged. Well, I have challenges. Don’t we all? But, what opens up my world? What makes me think and feel and dream? When you answer that with a shrug and an I dunno something is missing.

I’m bored.

So, I’m remedying it. I’m not going to write lengthy posts about my boredom and searching my soul over for what’s ailing me. I am going to try things.

I’ve applied for a job that a good, good friend thought I might have a knack for. I signed myself up for a UBC writing course during the summer. In a few weeks I’m going to this and find out what I’m made of.

Here’s the thing. Well, my thing anyway. When you have something so explosive happen to you, everything pales in comparison. Nothing quite measures up to the bigness of that car crash. Almost like you’re living in its shadow. I’m expected to do something great after that. I should amount to something huge, something above average because of what I went through. Survival isn’t enough. It’s crippling.

Ironic, huh?

Here I am. Bored. Needing change. I’m living in the shadow of my burn survivor self, real and imagined. I didn’t know I was doing that, until recently. Rather than be upset with myself for waiting this long, rather than berate myself for not getting out from under the shadow sooner I’m going to look at this as the right time. The time for doing something other than surviving. The time for exploring and taking on. I couldn’t take on before because I already carried enough. These past few years has packed punch after punch. There’s been a lot of good too. So much good. (I am proud, by the way, to be a burn survivor, proud to stand among other burn survivors, proud to speak on our behalf and I’ll continue to do it.) I wouldn’t erase anything about my life. Not a thing. And I mean that.

I am a girl on the cusp. I’m tired of thinking that I’m not. I have the world at my fake feet.

Swept Up

In Awkward Family Photos
I just learned about this site a few weeks ago and it has provided me with a whole lot of laughter since. Seriously. The first time I looked at these photos I laughed until I cried. It’s just awkward family photos that people submit – the ol’ back to back poses, bad matching sweaters, family of four sitting on the branch of a tree and the one I have here…I just switched out the previous one I had here for this one. The owner of the website calls this photo Mommy-the-Pooh and has this caption to go with the photo, “The father was so relieved when he found out he was gonna be Eeyore. ” Are you kidding me?! I can’t believe anyone would do this.

18 thoughts on “made of

  1. sugarlens

    I hear you Heidi!

    Sometimes I feel that if I don’t do something about my life, I will look back 10 years from now and think, what just happened?

    Don’t get me wrong, I like my life. I have a stable job, family, friends, and hobbies, but I just feel I need to do something significant.

    I ope you get that job and good luck with the writing course!

  2. Kate Coveny Hood

    This was very powerful and I LOVE your closing line. I think you can do anything. You are just the kind of person who inspires me to do more, try more and be more.

  3. Linda Sue

    YAY Heidi! once again you inspire me! I have been flat out for the past week- am finally better but find that nothing is very interesting and I just don’t care…until now- your blog poste! LOVE YOU!

  4. Caroline

    A girl on the cusp! I love that. I can’t imagine what it is like to live the shadow of such an event… Your life is now…not back then. Your soul is seeking something and the boredom is a way to getting your attention. Something will come of this… Can’t wait to hear how it all unfolds.

  5. Jeve (aka John and Steve)

    Great post! And thanks for exposing me to awkward family photos. That's amazing.

    BTW- I voted for your blog through Underdogs Unite (under Jasahab). If you get a chance please vote for me too! We are running for four different categories. Here is one of the links:

    Thanks so much!


  6. Chris

    I get those moments too, although luckily they’re brief. I remember as a kid that I was CONSTANTLY bored, to the point where I couldn’t take it. I try to see why I feel that way and how I can change things. It can be tough though, I know.

  7. dawn

    nothing but behind you, supporting you and cheering you on. RUN with your “fake feet”! LEAP!

    (LOVE that line)

  8. Tooj

    Hi there, I’m hopping over from Dorkys’, Intense Guy’s, and Sugarlens’ blogs. I find it interesting that I chose this week to visit your blog…I’ve seen your name in Dorkys’ comments all the time. I’m bored, as well…but I shouldn’t be. I have 2 small children and a growing stepson to keep me busy…I should be all over the place, right? But nope. I love them, I love playing with them…but I’m bored with what I do for me, my job, my hobbies. I hope that you find what it is you try out and “try on” for you. 🙂 Enjoy the adventures! Happy Friday.

  9. Heidi

    sugarlens, right back at you – i hear you. i don’t want to look back and think that i didn’t try. i need to at least try to figure out what i want to do and then go from there.

    kch, thank you. you challenge me too with your 3 sites! and your kids and job…you amaze me. 🙂

    linda sue, i hope you’re feeling better! and thank you. 🙂

    caroline, good, sound advice. thank you. 🙂

    jeve, thank you! i’ll go find your blog now and, sure, i’ll vote for you! isn’t awkward photos hysterical??

    chris, good for you – that you keep pursuing new things and expose yourself to new challenges. it’s time for me to go and do the same.

    dawn, thanks, sweets! really, really…thank you.

    tooj, i completely get this. i get out with my kids. we do STUFF. i love them. no question. but, it’s the trying things for me part that i need to do. thanks for coming by!

  10. curious girl (lisa)

    first of all…that pooh family photo is hilarious. and kind of scary.

    secondly, I find boredom to be a primary motivator in my life. the fire starter group sounds amazing. let us know how it turns out.

    just keep being you. we love you.

  11. Suz Broughton

    I can’t flippin’ wait to see what this revelation brings!

    Good for you! Some people would let their accident define them, but you are going to define IT! Make it what it means to YOU, not the other way around (hope that makes sense).

    As you know, I adore you, and feel inspired when you do. So in a selfish way, I want you to go and do!!!

  12. Suz Broughton

    BTW- Awkward Family Photos is an addiction of mine too. I am a fan of theirs on FB and have spend countless hours laughing…


    I really want to do something significant in my life too instead of the usual blahhh… I think Life would reveal to us piece by piece & it's up to us to put/gear them into action…almost like faith without action is really dead….errr-errr???
    Anyway, have a fab weekend darling!
    ~Blessings as always okie*

  14. Dorkys Ramos

    First off, those pics are too funny (and I saw the one you had previously) so thanks for the laughs 🙂

    You have quite a few exciting things on your plate and I wish you best of luck in each of them. Many of us are already in awe of you, but it’s refreshing to know that this isn’t enough for you, that you know there’s more you can do. So go out, inspire and be inspired. And be sure to report back because I can’t wait to see what’s around the bend for you.

  15. kendalee

    Out of the boredom comes forth inspiration! As ever Heidi, you are so wonderfully articulate and that touches me. “I am a girl on the cusp.” I love that. And I can relate, although mine feels like the cusp between chaos and ?

    I got completely lost in that awkward family photo’s site… Are all those for real? Scary stuff.

  16. LMN

    GOOD FOR YOU!! (*Cheering***) I went and checked out the Fire Starter site – so cool! I wish she was coming to Seattle – though I do see Portland on the list. Do tell how it goes!

    What a journey life can be – I hope you find some inspiration or creativity-kick starter soon … whatever it is you need, I think you’ll find it.

    Keep us posted while you do!

  17. Heidi

    lisa, i know!! about the photo being scary…it really is.
    boredom as a motivator – it certainly is mine these days. thank you. 🙂

    suz, thank you so, so much! you are always on my side and i so appreciate that.

    lenore, i’m with you on it being like faith without action. it takes both faith and action to live this life, i believe.

    dorkys, thank you!! those photos are all kinds of awesome. i can’t get enough!

    kenda, you are a girl on the cusp too…without question! i don’t know what’s next for you, but something will be born out of chaos.

    lmn, definitely! i’ll let you know how it goes. i hear she’s good. maybe worth you checking out? thanks for the cheers. i can feel them all the way over here. 🙂

  18. Christy

    Heidi – I found this post so inspiring! And wow, I had stopped by here before, but never knew what the 'thing' was that happened to you. My mother in law was a burn survivor too…she was an amazing person who survived against all odds, and it sounds like you you have an amazing story of survival too. I look forward to hearing about that session you've signed up for — and I'm excited to here how you decide to channel your energies! I don't know you – but I'm still sure you can do anything you put your mind to.

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