You know how you think you’re one way and through restlessness, exploration and hitting the nail on the head you discover you’re another way? One of those really?? kind of realizations that you’re surprised by and another piece of the puzzle clicks into place. I like when that happens. It’s like you win, but you’re the only contestant and the prize is a better sense of self. You have nothing to show for it, but you can hold your head a little higher and feel a little less crazy.

I’m a bit of a, I think; therefore I am sort of person. I enjoy people and the energy of a room full of people. I enjoy long conversations over a cup of coffee or glasses of wine, but I refuel being alone. I take up residence in my head before I can come out and play again. Do you know what this makes me? An introvert. Maybe this comes as a so what to you. But, to me, this was a mini revelation. Not a full blown, there are fireworks, I’m in a fetal position crying on the floor sort of revelation, but a firecracker of revelation. I am an introvert. I would have never identified myself as one. I talk a lot. I love being around people. I love plans. I love going out. I don’t even mind small talk. I’m not all that smart. (I tend to think introverts are super smart.)

I’m not a big fan of labels. Nerd, jock, prep and rebel circa Breakfast Club. I don’t do those or any others. I don’t want to be red or blue or a romantic with a stubborn streak and a twist of neuroses. But, this just helps. Like hand smack to forehead. A mini firecracker revelation. And get this. I don’t have to be highly intelligent to be an introvert.

I don’t want to be hemmed in or tied down. I don’t want someone to tell me who I am or what I’m not. I want to buck the system and break the rules. But, sometimes, when a piece of the puzzle fits and fills in the picture it clicks. It makes sense, so you make sense.

Swept Up

In June
It’s been a gorgeous month here and it’s drawing to a close with Sports Day and recitals and end of school year parties. Tulips and irises have come and gone. Now it’s the next round of flowers blooming in my yard. There are roses everywhere, poppies that are finishing up and other things which I can’t identify. The previous owner had a very green thumb. It’s been fun seeing her handiwork over these last few months. Every week something new crops up. Next post I’ll have more photos up. For now, I just have this one of Annie at Sports Day participating in a crab walk race.

21 thoughts on “click

  1. Christy

    I would argue that you ARE that smart, you introvert you.

    And, It's so great that you have flowers and greenery planted by someone else!

  2. Kate Coveny Hood

    As usual you write about yourself – but you are writing about me. The only difference is that I knew I was an introvert when I was younger, but then thought I changed. I was always with my friends, always ready to go out for drinks, shopping, brunch (the usual young girl priorities)…so I thought that my childhood was marred by insecurity that made me more shy and more of a loner. But the older I get the more I realize that I never really changed. I do love to go out and be with people – but I NEED my time alone.

  3. kendalee

    Me too – introvert that would be described by many as an extrovert. I love people but I crave time alone like air.

    This post made me smile Heidi. You described it SO perfectly. And I do so love those little click moments – when a simple but profound truth is revealed to me, about me (sometimes by me). One of those "how did I not get that before?" type things. I wish I had more of them. One happened some years ago when I read a book called The Renaissance Soul. Suddenly instead of feeling lousy 'cause I couldn't envisage myself focussing on or specialising in just one thing forever, I realised that I am one of those who is just designed to have many and varied interests. And that I'm not alone in this (despite evidence to the contrary amongst my friends and family) and I am not crazy. I felt exactly like I'd won a competition!

    Yay for click moments – yours and mine!!! :o)

  4. amisare waswerebeen

    I love those kind of revelations. It's like solving a piece to a puzzle that makes you more comfortable in your skin with each piece. And thanks for your comments. I love them.

  5. sugarlens

    I am definitely an introvert. I have taken many personality tests and they all said the same things. Sometimes I wish I was more outgoing and outspoken, it would definitely have helped me get further ahead at work.

    Good to see you back again!

  6. you gotta wonder

    Ironically, this morning I took a personality test. Not surprisingly the results have not changed in the 10 years since I last took a personality test. I'm still an extrovert.

    You are "smart" by any meaningful definition, and you're certainly insightful. I'm glad you had an awakening. Embrace yourself!

    And I'm glad you're back! I'm looking forward to seeing the pix of flowers. (I do love the photo of Annie!)

  7. Chris

    I'm definitely an introvert who tries to be an extrovert when it's required, but sometimes it's hard.

    I've also had some "aha" moments about myself, which are really interesting to experience this far in the game. I'm always sort of surprised but fascinated about the things I realize about myself.

  8. Suz Broughton

    Isn't it funny when we realizes something basic about ourselves at (ahem) our age?
    I remember Larry saying just a couple months ago, "I think I'm type A personality. I'm not very breezy." Really? Hmm. I never noticed LOL!

  9. Heidi

    christy, you are too nice! 🙂 we are really lucky someone did all of this for us. we have an actual garden with food growing in it and living things everywhere. it's a lot to maintain, but pretty nice to look at.

    kch, that describes me to a t! that's exactly what i thought about myself until, well, recently. it was almost a relief to find that out about myself.

    kenda, this right here, "Suddenly instead of feeling lousy 'cause I couldn't envisage myself focussing on or specialising in just one thing forever, I realised that I am one of those who is just designed to have many and varied interests." is just what i learned about myself too. it made me feel less lazy and to stop saying, what is my problem?? i completely get what you're saying here. 🙂 i'm glad i'm not alone.

    amisare, exactly – comfortable in our own skin. it's such an important thing to have or, rather, be.

    sugarlens, you are fabulous just the way you are…just so you know. 🙂

    chris, me too. i always think there isn't any further i could go with self-discovery and then there's another layer.

    suz, hahaha!! usually the type a knows they're a type a.
    and, yeah, so basic…a big part of my personality that i wasn't aware of is sort of funny.

    maggie, i would sooo love to share a couple of glasses of wine with you, however, i would never come out your way in the winter. the thought of that terrifies me, but i'm up for any other season. 😉

  10. Real Live Lesbian

    I sold my house last Fall and I hope she's enjoying all of the amazing flowers that I left for her. Everyone asks me why I left them? How could I possibly take them when I knew she'd be surprised this Spring. 🙂

    I'm new here, but what a wonderful place you have!


    That's the cutest crab-walk…such a darling!!! Enjoy the Summer dear & continue to have new revelations too…

  12. Heidi

    rll, take it from me – i'll bet she is really enjoying those flowers. how can someone not enjoy something like that. it's been so great to see new things popping up every week.
    thanks for coming on by!!

    lenore, thanks sweetie!

  13. FranticMommy

    Great post! I had a click moment about a year ago. I always thought I was an introvert. Hated social situations and networking events were like root canal. Then I discovered the joys of volunteerism. I may be awkward at parties and gatherings, but put me on a committee or on a project and I will ROCK IT. I have no idea where that came from. I just wished I would have figured that out sooner. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I am excited to read more about you!

  14. bernthis

    I relate a lot to this post but I cannot believe I would be called an introvert. Weird

  15. Heidi

    franticmommy, i think it's the opposite with me. i love being around people most of the time, so i thought i must definitely be an extrovert, but, nope. good for you on the volunteering. what a great thing to do and love and be good at!

    bernthis, that's exactly how i felt. i actually said to the very educated person that told me i was an introvert that no, he must be mistaken. but, the way i need time alone to gather myself and refuel apparently makes me an introvert with a very evolved extroverted blah, blah, blah. who knew? anyway…i'm not saying you are an introvert. just saying that this was my experience. thanks for coming by! 🙂

  16. Cookie

    Cute pic. June does bring some mixed feelings. Excited that school is over and summer is beginning and scared at the same time.

  17. dawn

    heidi- did you take the myers briggs and learn this about yourself? when i took it years ago, i was also blown away that i was an introvert. and learning that even though i can reach out to others in a perceived extroverted way,drains my completely was really important for me to understand about myself. just one more key to self discovery!

    i'm an INFP. 🙂
    missed you and so glad you're back. xo

  18. Heidi

    cookie, a whole summer ahead and i know fall will come too soon, so i'm just trying to take it a day at a time and especially enjoy that sun.
    thanks for coming by!

    dawn, no, it wasn't through a test although i've taken those kinds of tests before and i'm always all over the map. maybe that's why it took so long to realize that i'm an introvert. hmmm…

    i know i was gone for just a short while, but i missed being here which was a nice feeling to have.

  19. LMN

    Yes, I can relate to the "click." I have had a click click holy click sort of year! I love your description.

    It is too easy to fall into the blue with a twist of red, or stubborn with a twist of nice sort of categorizations, but they are so limiting. However, the click sort of revelation you describe is fun. Helpful. Enlightening.

    And love the crabwalk photo. So fun. I don't even know if I can do that. 🙂 It feels like a lifetime ago since I tried it!

  20. Claire

    Heidi just been rambling through various posts on your blog.

    The journey is important. Too few spend time reflecting on it.

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