clearing the air

Not everything is a lesson to be learned. Some things just are. They stand alone. Like the post I wrote a week and a half ago. I was writing honestly, but I wasn’t weeping as I wrote it. I’m not in recovery. I wasn’t looking for a happy ending. It was…is how I felt.

We take many experiences from life and purposefully place the word ‘learn’ in front of it. We choose to grow and change. I love that about life. We can mold it and shape it, make what we want of it. There are some things, however, that we simply survive. We get through. And that’s okay. That’s enough. It is the best we can do.

Sometimes it’s not about bettering ourselves. Maybe that contradicts what I have said here in this space, in the past. But, I stand by it. I stand by both – the bettering and the not – because I think it’s both. Always both. It’s being and doing. It’s living in the muck and standing at the edge marveling at how dirty your clothes are. It’s shedding those clothes, knowing where you’ve come from, and walking in a different direction.

When I write about the car crash I’m not in the aftermath. Not anymore. Not for a long time, now. I’m not reeling from the fire and the damage done to my body. It is not the first thing I think of when I wake up. It doesn’t even make an appearance in the nightly ritual of going over my day as I drift off to sleep. It has impacted me. It has left its mark, but it isn’t everything. It isn’t my center. Sometimes I’m just telling the story.

Swept Up

In Playland
The kids and I went on Thursday and had a great time. And by ‘great time’ I mean I had my absolute favorite fair food…mini donuts. The sugar, the fat, the warmth as it’s served fresh from the giant vat of oil…does it get any better than that? We really did have a great time. The kids went on every ride twice. They were so well behaved that I thought, what the hell, let’s stay for another hour. In mom and kid time that’s, like, seven hours. Gone are the days where I am yelling, “Stop!” at Ben at the top of my lungs as he runs away from me in some race I didn’t know we were in while people stop to watch. I didn’t get any snark from Annie and both the kids didn’t get any snark from me. It was a good day.

This is just a photo off of the Playland website. There was a photo of Annie and Ben taken on this ride, the Kettle Creek Mine Coaster. It shows up at the booth at the end of the ride. If it wasn’t a ridiculous amount of money I would have bought it. Their faces were hysterical, especially Ben’s. If you know Ben you can imagine what he would have looked like…the windblown hair, the I-might-pee-my-pants-I’m-kinda-freaked-out-but-I-think-I-like-this look in his eyes…

16 thoughts on “clearing the air

  1. bernthis

    you could not pay me to go on a rollercoaster. Seriously, not enough xanax in the world for that.

    and you are correct. some things we learn from and others we just survive it and move on. Well said.

  2. Heidi

    bernthis, i haven't been on a roller coaster in years! this was a kids roller coaster that i didn't go on. i had to accompany them on the ferris wheel. i was talking to them through gritted teeth and not looking down pretending that i was having the time of my life. every time one of the kids would try to stand up in it or the seat would sway a little i thought i was going to lose it. xanax might not be a bad way to go. or an adivan…they're quite effective.

  3. kendalee

    Heidi, you told your story, I grew. Only a fraction, 'cause of course we don't grow in the same way through someone else's experience as we do through experiencing the impact of something ourselves, directly, but still, it touched me, it made me consider my own life, and it changed me slightly. I'm inspired by how you have arrived at the point where you can tell this story from the perspective you do, healed, strong, beautiful, and I won't take some things for granted now that I might have done before. For these things, I am grateful that you did tell your story. Thank you! And also because I know now that in Autumn, we'll both be reveling in the season together! 🙂

    p.s. your day out sounds like it was great fun! I have one of those photographs of my siblings and me on a roller-coaster some years ago. It makes me laugh every time I see it – you described the look we're wearing exactly!

  4. FranticMommy

    Mornin Heidi! Loved your post. Your blog is like a motivatng breathe of fresh air to me. I too try to find the life leassons on things (even when I'm tracking poopie footprints down the hall). I've people tell me lately I'm nuts to start a homebusiness in this economy. I disagree. Just think how awesome I'll be when the ecomony rebounds! I've made amy intial mistakes on the frontend and I'll be "poised and ready"!

  5. Linda Sue

    Heidi, LOVE your story, your life all of it…
    LOVE that you took the kids to Playland, I can not even watch the rides anymore- the round and round makes me nauseous. I have vertigo and it creeps up on me often.
    You rock- I adore you- your story and all –you enrich many lives, mine for sure.


    Your perspective on life & the presence is so inspiring! ps: Now I want to go on those fun rides…haven't been to any amusement park for years now…I want cotton candy! ~Blessings as always Heidi!


  7. Pearl

    Ahh, the mini-donut. I go to the Minnesota State Fair (coming in just three weeks!) every year for a little bag of hot, sugary mini-donuts. Smells and tastes like summer, especially in the part of the world where you have four distinct seasons.

    And the rollercoaster? Sounds fabulous; and yes, those pictures they try to sell you are always over-priced!


  8. Kate Coveny Hood

    I'm with Jessica (bernthis) – roller coasters are not an option for me. I would spend a week on a farm mucking pig styes before I'd go an one of those contraptions. And if you know me – you can imagine how strongly I must feel about this.

    I just read your last post (missed it in my reader?) and I was blown away. I love it.

  9. Dorkys Ramos

    Haha, yes I can imagine what his face looked like and I'm just basing that off of the other silly pictures you've posted of him here. Such a ham! I haven't been to an amusement park in a couple years so I think rollercoasters scare the crap out of me nowadays.

    So happy to hear you guys had a wonderful time 🙂

  10. you gotta wonder

    I so get this. I wrote a post yesterday to address someone's confusion about what I bring to the blogosphere. If you want to tell me I've made mistakes as a parent, I'll second that with a loud "Whoo-wah!" But telling me I'm so bad I make God weep, well that's a little harsh. Plus, it indicates a lack of discernment between who I am today and who I've been in the getting here. I like to think I've learned some things, grown and changed along the way.

    I'm glad you had a snark-free adventure with your kiddos. And I'm delighted to know you through your blog.

  11. Heidi

    flutter, how true. and, i think, that is especially true of yours.

    kenda, thank you. you are always at the ready with kind words…thank you so, so much. autumn is just around the corner now…can't wait!

    jennymac, thank you, so much.

    franticmommy, you go! you can do this and you'll have the last laugh when you have a booming home business!

    linda sue, you are always so good to me! thank you so, so much.

    lenore, you have to go to some kind of park or fair just for the junk food. who cares about the rides when you can have some sticky, yummy cotton candy or sugary donuts!? and thank you…

    pearl, a fellow mini-donut lover…it absolutely is summer to me too. i like the way you said that.

    kate, i do know how strongly you would feel about that. 🙂
    and i emailed you earlier, but i'll thank you again here. you've been with me, here, almost from the beginning, so thank you so, so much. it means a lot coming from you.

    dorkys, he also squeals like a little girl when he is loving something or is excited…it is the funniest thing to hear. you can imagine what that was like for 3 hours.
    thanks! we did have a great day.

    ygw, i can't believe that anyone would have the gall to say something like that to you! you are waaay too nice of a person for someone to make that kind of mistake. you are a good, kind person with a heart of gold. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

  12. dawn

    "it's about being and doing". so wonderfully said. and they are so very important each in its own way, no?

    i think it's interesting that no matter what our own personal experiences are and no matter how we choose to frame up situations that have impacted us in some way, we will always have to deal with the lenses that other people view out situations through. sometimes that can be pretty exhausting. but in the end, it all comes down to just our own way of perceiving it, and how we choose to file it in our very personal brains.

  13. Heidi

    dawn, you put this perfectly.
    "i think it's interesting that no matter what our own personal experiences are and no matter how we choose to frame up situations that have impacted us in some way, we will always have to deal with the lenses that other people view out situations through. sometimes that can be pretty exhausting. but in the end, it all comes down to just our own way of perceiving it, and how we choose to file it in our very personal brains."

    thank you. you're pretty wonderful yourself. 🙂

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