heads will roll

“Off, off, off with your head! Dance, dance, dance ‘til you’re dead…” It’s pounding in my head. I turn up the volume another notch. It’s just me, my car, and a driving beat. It’s fun. It’s loud. I’m listening to track two of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs It’s Blitz and anything with meaning is lost in the song.

I was always in my head. As a teenager being in my head didn’t always translate. I didn’t speak girl very well. I was the good friend to the guys that were dating my best girl friends. I was the one you could talk to. I wasn’t the one that got noticed. I was a good girl. I followed the rules. It kept me safe. I was waiting to live my life and knew, without a doubt, that high school was never going to be where my life began. I didn’t have any serious plans after high school, but I was serious.

After high school things changed, I changed. My head was no longer the place to escape to. It was something to escape. I wanted to live apart from my head. I tried on different words. Fun, light, carefree canceled analytical, sensitive, intense. I was tired of being safe. I dropped good and fine. My new words fit well, but I was compromising. It was more than running from my head. I buried the girl that felt deeply and found refuge in her thoughts. There might have been too many thoughts to keep track of, but they were hers. Hers to sort and ponder.

Somewhere between high school and after I picked up all of the pieces and sides to me. I let them fall wherever they fell. I could be serious and light. It wasn’t about balance. I wasn’t going after yin and yang. It’s just…I could be anything I wanted to be. No boxes. No labels. Just me.

Here, in this space, I’m far more serious than light. I’m not completely sure why that is. Lightening up is something I could try on (and I have), but I have a lot of light in my life. I have breezy and fun. This place holds the fifty billion thoughts – the thoughts I can barely keep track of – and what emerges is the girl that feels deeply. I don’t have to keep everything in check. I don’t need to put on a brave face or change the subject with a laugh. I can sort and ponder. And when I can’t take the oh so serious anymore I have the Yeah Yeah Yeahs song Heads Will Roll. It’s fitting, isn’t it?

Swept Up

In the Band of Horses concert
Scott and I and a few friends went to the Band of Horses show at the Commodore on Friday night. They are a group out of Seattle and we fell in love with them a couple of years ago. They’re indie rock with a smidge of country. They put on a great, great show. Check them out here.

5 thoughts on “heads will roll

  1. Kate Coveny Hood

    "I didn’t have any serious plans after high school, but I was serious." Again – I think we're the same person…

    Except for the knowing anything about music part. I am clueless and have probably puchased a maximum of 5 CDs in the past 10 years (and I load nothing on to iTunes – so I can't even say I'm buying my music online. Case in point – this evening I listened to 3 CDs: The Cars (some best of, of course), The Jackson Five (ditto) and a French "world music" CD that my then 18 month old daughter tried to shoplift from Whole Foods. I haven't been to a concert since the 90s. AND I'm listening to CDs of Harry Potter – Deathly Hallows in the car.

    But I always did say I was a nerd – so at least I embrace it.

  2. Suz Broughton

    I haven't ever heard anyone describe high school like you before. I got it. I was different than you. Almost opposite, but I totally know what you mean.

    I love Band of Horses. They have such a great energy.

  3. amisare waswerebeen

    "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Haaa" by Napoleon XIV

    Lightens my mood everytime. My dad used to sing it to us.

  4. Intense Guy

    There is a place – not so much ying and yang – but comfortable within your own skin and… integrated…

    …and ready to expand and grow… and to rest and relax as the need arises…

    It's a happy place. It sounds like you are (nearly) there. 🙂

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