ICU (My first memory)

I’m crying. I’ve woken up and my eyes are blurred by tears and light. I can’t stop crying. My mom and dad are talking to me, but I can’t see them. I can’t understand what they’re saying. I feel slightly hysterical. My face is hot and stretched tight. I know something has happened. Something bad. But, I can’t remember. I don’t know. The tears keep coming. I hear a door opening and closing.


I can’t stop crying.


“Do you want to live?”

It’s Scott. He’s here and I have a choice to make. Live or die. Live or die. I think it would be easy to die. I’m close to it. My parents, Scott, the sterile room, my tears tell me death isn’t far.

I answer, “Yes.”

I slip into unconsciousness.

17 thoughts on “ICU (My first memory)

  1. Lynne

    This is really powerful and captivating. It has stayed in my mind since I read it on your last post.

  2. Christy

    Heidi, wow. I, along with all the people in your real life, and all your fans, am so glad you decided that your answer was yes. This is really gripping. You're so talented, and I know you said in the comments in the last post that this isn't cathartic for you yet…but I really hope one day it is. Big hugs! Christy

  3. Kate Coveny Hood

    This feels so real… I'd say I can picture it – but in my imagination, my eyes are too blurred with tears.

    You know – I think about you and your experience almost every day? Because it's actually one of my biggest fears – losing pieces of myself. So getting to know you has made me face that and ask why. I think I have a pretty good idea, but more importantly, it makes me less fearful. Knowing someone who has suffered physical losses and made the choice to live and live well isn't just inspiring – it puts everything into perspective.

  4. Heidi

    lynne, hey! i'm glad you came back. 🙂

    christy, you are just the sweetest. i've been thinking about that word, cathartic, a lot. i'm going to go think about it some more. 🙂

    kate, you made me cry. i wish i had the perfect response to this. the right words. but, all i can come up with is thank you. you know i adore you, right?

    maggie, i responded to your earlier comment over at 'the beginning'. i also wanted to say, hey, i tried getting on to your blog a couple of times today and it wouldn't let me. boo.

    bernthis, i love the oy.

  5. Linda Sue

    crumbs! You are so brave- I would have checked out I am pretty sure…your story is so valuable- so important- I love you…

  6. Live More Now

    Oh my. My oh my.

    I don't know what to say except how terribly frightening it would be to have to face that choice, if it is choice: live or die.

    So powerful.

  7. Heidi

    sugarlens, i was 23 when this happened. i just turned 35…i'm practically ancient now!

    chris, thank you!

    lmn, thank you, heather. i love seeing your face around here…

  8. Jennifer

    Heidi, Thank you for staying, for sharing your story and for letting us be a little braver through your example. Your writing slays me. I love it.

    1. heidi Post author

      Hi! I meant to get back to you right away. I just wanted to say thank you for visiting me here and for your very kind words. Truly, thank you. Now, I’m going to go check you out!

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