I was put into a drug induced coma for the first two weeks after the car crash to spare me some pain and to let the surgeons work on me as often as they could. The pain seeped into my dreams though having its way with me there. I dreamt I was held captive in cages. I traveled great distances over mountains and through valleys. I was hitched to wagons. I lay in truck beds. I was always on my back. I tried in vain to curl up or turn to my side. There was no time to stop. I slept, but never rested. I was forgotten outside in the cold. I could see my breath. I was stretched until I thought I would break and sometimes I did. There were people everywhere, but I couldn’t reach them and they couldn’t see me.

Reality crept in once in a while, life and dream crossing lines blurring together.

I heard radio stations being switched. I’d recognize a song. Is that a Sarah McLachlan song? A gentle warning, “Heidi, we’re going to pull this out now,” as a tube was pulled out of my throat. There were whispers from people that knew my name. Desperate prayers said in low voices. Singing. Was someone singing to me? I willed myself to move, to speak, but my body was paralyzed and words didn’t take shape here. My dreams were holding me under. I had always been able to leave when I found myself in a nightmare. I could open my eyes and shake off the night. I was trapped in whatever hell my body was in and my mind wouldn’t let me go.

15 thoughts on “trapped

  1. Linda Sue

    Makes me wonder if drug induced comas are a good thing…may make it easier for the physicians but like you experienced , you are not really sleeping, not really here nor there but sort of held against your will…interesting- I am so glad that you made it through and can remember it with such clarity.
    You rock, sistah…LOVE you!

  2. bernthis

    Heidi: My God. I come here and I read and then I sit in awe. I'm telling you with all my heart if this were a book, I would not be able to put it down.


  3. Lynne

    That's an amazing description of what you experienced. It does make you wonder about the use of drugs in a situation like that though.
    So glad that you made it and that you are able to write about it with such clarity. Amazing.

  4. kendalee

    Claustrophobic, terrifying… like locked in syndrome only worse because of the nightmare quality. So beautifully written to convey all that. Honestly Heidi, I think the only reason I can keep reading is that I know you come out the other side… it's heart-wrenching stuff.

  5. Intense Guy


    I'm just glad that I know you … somehow with your great internal strength made it through all of this… horror.

  6. Charlotte

    I remember my morphine dreams pretty well- including being stuck in an elevator; being left in a shed outside the hospital, being worried that my brother was outside in the cold….oh and that I had a bear cub under my bed that I wasnt supposed to wake up. I’m trying to write these down too.

    1. heidi

      Hi Charlotte,
      Isn’t it crazy?! I’m right there with you…your bear cub story made me smile. It is absolutely amazing how the brain is tricked like that. I hope you’re well now.
      I wish you all the very best as you write these memories. Take care of yourself as you do it – it can be exhausting and, as I’m sure you know, painful. Thank you for coming by and sharing. I really appreciate it.

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