meds, anyone?

I’m throwing up these (story) posts not as often as I’d like but I have been slowly chugging along doing what I can when I can. Lately, the what I can when I can are giving me a hard time, so I’ve slowed down to almost a halt. (Honestly, it is making me pull my hair out crazy and I’m riddled with anxiety. Riddled. No one is here with a gun to my head, but for some unexplainable reason the gun is at my temple ready to blow. What the hell? Alright, I’ll take the crazy down a notch now…)

Yesterday I’m in the city for a prosthetic tune-up and before I have to keep my appointment I arrive early so I can walk around with a coffee, from 49th Parallel, in my hand and take it all in. It being the uneven sidewalks, flowers in bright ceramic pots, people walking their dogs and the sunshine that has pushed past the clouds. It is unseasonably warm here and I want to breathe deeply and not take anything for granted.

I want to live here. I’ve made plans with Scott. When we’re older, when the kids are grown I want to live here. It feels like home. Here in this part of Vancouver where tall trees line the streets their roots stretching to the bottom of the earth, where the houses reach high and have windows with beautifully crafted panes, and solid welcoming doors. The streets are narrow and there’s little parking, but who cares because you can walk to wherever it is that you need to go. It’s the peace that settles on my shoulders when I visit here that I’m addicted to. I can take my book around the corner to one of the cafes that live on 4th and get lost. I like blending in and being just one of many sometimes. Where I live right now is home too and I love it here, but one day…one day….

I’m walking peering in to store windows words rattling around in my head. They come so fast. I have words for what it felt like when I was given permission to leave my hospital bed for the first time. I have words for how the snow swirled above me as I was driven home for Christmas. I need to release the words, to free them. My chest is heavy with the weight of them. I’m buzzing with coffee and inspiration. My step is lighter. Just wait until I get home!

I finally touch my fingers to the keyboard and the words are there, but I’m having trouble connecting them. They’re squished together in my brain and I can’t separate them long enough to form a coherent sentence. I sit and I sit and I sit. I get up, make a phone call, pick up a book I can’t get enough of, put it down, sigh. I return to the computer and my shoulders slump. I sigh again and this post comes out instead.

17 thoughts on “meds, anyone?

  1. Christy

    Ooh I have that book on my nightstand, unopened. And I have my glucose screening tomorrow – so an hour to kill, in a waiting room, by myself – I think I'll bring it and begin it!

    I think all writers, no — all people struggle with that! Writer's block! Argh! But in a sort of selfish way, I'm glad you wrote this post too – I loved reading it and now I totally want to visit Vancouver. 🙂

    You know what I've thought of doing, but feel way too dorky to actually do? Get a dictaphone! Ha! Or you could call your own cell phone and leave yourself awesome sentences and trains of thought – then transcribe them later. Regardless, I hope you get to move that neighborhood later in life – it sounds beautiful.

  2. erinlo

    I look forward to every post, whether it is your story, or just the struggle to write your story. It's all intertwined, somehow, and I pour over every word.

    Sounds like a good day, although I must say, for some reason or other I thought you lived in Calgary and was disappointed to see your link to the BC coffee shop. I was going to get the nerve up to ask you for coffee sometime. Sigh. I supposed I'll have to wait until we're driving through BC.

  3. Intense Guy

    Even a pencil and small pad might help – they do make some really small digital recorders now – the size of a cigerette lighter and really quite inexpensive…

    …but you know something – your story is so intense – and viscerally wrenching – that it's nice to see you come up for air, so to speak and see you smelling the roses.

  4. Linda Sue

    coming up for air with words banging around in your head- Maybe you need a trip down south , Meet me in fairhaven and we will do NOTHING at all…nothing…Watch the water, be quiet, sort of nothing…I would really like that!
    Love your writing no matter what it is- LOVE!

  5. Kate Coveny Hood

    This is still storytelling. Think of it as character development!

    Now I'm checking your book link…

  6. Suz Broughton

    Haha! I like you're label for this post–Are you kidding me?
    I needed a post like this from you. Even as a reader I need a change of pace, I can just imagine for you it is time. I loved this. I want to come visit you there someday and for you to show me around your city. Someday 🙂
    The words will come…

  7. Dorkys Ramos

    If this is what comes out when you can't write coherently and just squish a couple sentences together than you are blessed! Because even your post about not being able to write is beautifully written. Enjoy the breather. The rest will come.

  8. dawn

    this blog IS(are) your words. you know yourself well enough to know that those words have a life of their own…lives that have to seep in and stew and mix until they come out in just the right heidi way…..

    the words you're putting on your blog…..they're important too. they're a perspective that you need. remember.
    xo

  9. kendalee

    Sometimes it's nice to just write without an agenda or any pressure and it was lovely to join your wander around what sounds like a gorgeous neighbourhood, so thanks for sharing that – may your wish to live there come true! Try not to be anxious – you know it's all in there and it'll flow when it's ready…

    Also, thanks for the book recommendation, it sounds like a great read so it's gone on my amazon wishlist 🙂

  10. Live More Now

    Hello Heidi! I agree with all the comments above: enjoy the breather. So glad you got a little time to just "be" in Vancouver. (I love that city, too!)

    Hasn't the weather been awesome? Though today feels a bit like winter again and I want to crawl under a big blanky and not do work or anything else.

    Hope all is well in your neck of the world. xoxoxo hjp

  11. Cookie

    I've been getting stuck writing lately too. I thought I would never come up with something again. It comes back. eventually 🙂

  12. you gotta wonder

    I'm grateful for all that you share – the history, the background, your life today and today's backdrop.

    Your January posts bring to mind the Bible study I'm in – "Living Beyond Yourself" (Beth Moore). We're all called to be more than we can, but not everyone is able to. You inspire us as an example of someone who has.

    Peace,

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