the truth

Here’s the thing. The truth. I hurt after I wrote about Betty. I didn’t expect to hurt so much. I retreated to the far corners of myself and tried hard not to think about that post, about her, about any of it.

I’m finding writing this story of mine difficult which is a polite way of saying that returning to writing about this story has become effing hard. I want to pursue it. I want to write it out and complete it. I want to get to the funny parts. There are funny parts. I want to get to the paragraphs where I’m learning, where inch by inch I’m healing. Where I reach an oasis in the storm, the thunder is rolling and lightning cracks the sky but I know I’m going to be okay. I’m still at the beginning. I’m still at the burn unit. I’m still in surgery. I want to be at the after, but there’s a journey to cover. The after won’t make sense if I don’t write about the before. What I can look forward to is that I know how this story will end.

I am tired. That post was true. I’ve been hitting wall after wall of fatigue and I’m beginning to suspect the cause of it isn’t physical. Which sucks. That means it’s mental. It means I need to dig deeper and get to the bottom of what’s bugging me versus taking a handful of vitamins, getting an anemia diagnosis (that was the easiest and best solution to my problem I could come up with. Better than cancer or some disease that doesn’t have a name yet) and eating everything soy based. I can’t take up residence at a yoga facility and chant my way towards freedom. Or can I?

I’m sighing right now. Loudly.

Somewhere between a week ago and today I’ve realized whatever is going on with me is not going to be as simple (or as hard) as cutting out my deep love of sugar. I don’t know what it is but I’m wondering if writing this story might have a small hand in my unrest.

I know I don’t have to come here and put forth post after post on the car crash, but I also know I’m not done with this yet. I can’t get away from this nagging need to keep going. There is something to writing this that is good for me on some level I can’t see or understand. And I’m learning there are times where it’s going to hurt a little on the way down.

15 thoughts on “the truth

  1. Dorkys Ramos

    I'm with you, Heidi. I can only imagine how hard it is to see it all written out before you, but if you feel you must continue then I hope you find the strength to do so soon. I'm sure you have the loving support of your caring family and you have all of ours as well. Maybe it'd do you good to take your time to rest and let this storm pass before moving forward.

  2. Maggie, Dammit

    I'm sorry it hurts so much.

    Whatif you limited yourself to one paragraph a day? Bit by bit, one day at a time, 30 minutes of pain and then give yourself permission to feel anything but that for the other 23 1/2 hrs?

    I don't know, I hate advice. Ignore me.

    I'm just sorry it hurts.

  3. Intense Guy

    I remember reading about Betty and thinking you had placed a … good "positive" spin on it – when so many would be…

    …blaming themselves for having caused the death of someone they loved… and trying to find an escape from the blame – or the guilt feelings of still being alive when they weren't. I danced around that in my comment thinking, you didn't go there, no one else that commented went there, so… I wouldn't go there. But perhaps… you need to go there if that is the cause of the pain?

    …remember, writing about it is optional. I know I'm always happy to see an entry by you – grim or smiley. You offer those that read a lot of encouragement – if you don't feel that in return – we need to try harder.

    I too, am sorry you are hurting… I wish there was a "make things all better and happy" magic wand (or two or three 'cause we could end up wearing it out).

    Hang in there – you are much admired – I know so – cause I'm one of 'em.

  4. Linda Sue

    I am all for walking away…for getting back to the zenishness of just being- of what the sky is doing today, of a nap in the mid afternoon with a hot water bottle dressed up like a bear,…You have done so well documenting and re- living the most traumatic event ever. We are all grateful for that- you teach so much AND you need to step away- for a while or for the rest of your blessed life- whatever. The most important thing is you, your beautiful family, your life.Right now.
    LOVE you!

  5. Shelley E

    I love to read what you write and I will be saddened if you don't return to your blog…but I totally get why you need a break from your story.

    Thanks for putting your story "out there" for us to read!

  6. amisare waswerebeen

    Much admiration that you keep coming back and putting it all in words. Know that you are thought of and prayed for.

  7. Anna See

    i'm sorry this is so tough. i can see how the mental/physical parts of this are linked. just know we love you and are here for you.

  8. Heidi

    hi all!

    you guys are ridiculously sweet. super sweet. and kind. and i thank you.

    there are definitely a few other contributing factors to my tiredness, none of which i'll get into now. 🙂

    the posts leading up to the post about betty have been fine. truly fine. i've been really okay. but something happened when i wrote that post about betty. something opened (if that makes sense) that i thought was pretty firmly shut. so, i've been reeling a little and baffled by this new thing rolling around inside me making me feel things i haven't felt in a long, long time.

    alright, before i write another post…. thank you all again for your support and your goodness. you are all so good to me.

    maggie, i'll take advice from people i like and you're that kind of people. 🙂

  9. kendalee

    Heidi, dear Heidi. As ever, you show such bravery. The mental and emotional can have a profound effect on us physically. They say the brain cannot easily tell the difference between the reality of an experience and the imagining of an experience, the reality of an emotion and the memory or dream of an emotion. This is why athletes, for example, can become measurably better at what they do even by vividly visualising their best possible performance and the sadness of a dream can carry into waking hours. This would suggest that the reliving of a trauma, while perhaps not quite as intense as the reality of living it, is bound to bring up stuff that cannot be ignored. I don't know what point I'm trying to make really, except to say that I think it's natural that parts of your story and the attached emotions will be more fully resolved for you than others. And I am sorry that this part has uncovered unsettling responses in you. I think you are quite tuned in to the quiet whispers of your deepest heart but perhaps the fatigue is a way of your body forcing you to slow down and listen in to it more closely.

    In the meantime, try to nurture yourself in ways you know work for you, and be aware that whatever you do, we are here, cheering you on, wishing you well! xx

  10. Kate Coveny Hood

    This makes a lot of sense to me. Writing about the past really does bring it all back. And this can be such a gift when you find yourself reliving cherished moments. But when you are reliving physical and emotional pain? Reliving loss? That has to be hard. Just doing as much as you can, as often as you can, and nothing more or less is perfect. There is no time clock to punch. This is your time and everyone who comes here feels honored that you choose to spend it with us.

  11. Suz Broughton

    I was sad to read the first part of this post and happy to read the last paragraph. I'm glad you are going to keep going. I think you should. I think you have to.
    Take your time. Get some rest. Write when you're ready.

  12. tiff(threeringcircus)

    Many hugs to you.
    Gently, gently, with your story and with you.
    Pressure always makes me feel tired.

  13. bernthis

    Healing any wound is slow and painful. But it sounds like this is something you really need to do, a step at a time and know that when you want to stop and rest for a while you are more than welcome to do so and we will all be there sitting next to you waiting with you until you have the energy to keep going again


  14. Christy

    Just sending you a big hug – sorry that I didn't comment earlier – I've read this a few times and can't imagine how hard it is to relive this tragedy. Hope you're having a better day today!

  15. Connie

    I am sorry that it hurts to write this, and pray that putting it on paper (virtual paper) is helping you. I am sure that when you get all of your thoughts together in book form, you will have a piece of work that will help others too. I can’t also help but think that one day, your children will also appreciate the effort you are putting forth here, despite the pain. The crash, as is all of your past, is what made you the person you are today… with the physical being the least important. I believe your children will be glad to have this personal history of their mom. I wish my parents had written more down, about the important things in their lives.. or even, just the simple things.

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