honestly

This is what I’ve discovered over trying to get to the bottom of my ongoing tiredness… (I’ve talked about it here and here.) When you want answers and they’re not right in front of you sometimes it requires a bit of digging. Sometimes it requires honesty. I’ve learned this comes after crying at crappy songs on the radio and feeling like I used to when I had a baby and I was in that newborn stupor, that will I ever feel normal again how can a baby have that much power over me kind of fog. It comes after simultaneously talking and crying to a friend who is nice enough to respond when you can barely make sense of what you’re saying through strange animal like sounds coming out of your mouth. It comes after talking to a few friends who aim their words carefully which make me feel found and I didn’t know I needed finding. Honesty. Who knew?

For those of you that know me well you’ll understand it when I say that I like reasons. I like rationale for how I’m feeling. I can feel just about anything and I’m okay with my many feelings as long as there is a reason. What has been killing me is that I couldn’t find the root of my problem. Tears keep leaking from my eyes and I don’t know why. Maybe I’ve gone the way of mental illness. Maybe I’m depressed. I’m not saying that too lightly. I know depression is serious and real. I have a few loved ones in my life that battle clinical depression and disorders beyond that. I get it. But, I had seen a therapist who said I wasn’t depressed. Remember how he said I should see a life coach? Remember the disdain from me that went along with that? A little bit of come on and a lot of puh-leeze. I’m not really against life coaches as much as I think it’s become the fallback career for many people like washed up celebrities suddenly find their gift for making handbags. I know there are good life coaches out there and, really, who am I to judge? I’ve been a motivational speaker and you know how irritating and full of themselves they can be with their ‘you can do anything’ ways. I digress. I thought if I explore enough I can determine what the hell is going on with me. And if not. Holy hell. I’m in trouble.

So.

I’ve been talking and crying and thinking and talking and crying. I’ve been having coffee with Scott in the mornings words pouring out while getting the kids ready for school wiping my eyes. I’ve been laying it all bare, laying down my feelings, my thoughts, the deep down. The deep down stuff you don’t get to look at too often. The stuff we put a lid on and say no way to. I am doing just fine in my blissful ignorance. I am willfully burying my feelings. The equivalent of putting my fingers in my ears and shouting lalalalalalala so I can shut out the sound around me.

I’ve been uncovering, wading through to get to the bottom. I’m getting honest and in that I’m refueling. It doesn’t matter if what emerges is right or wrong, bad or good they are my feelings, my raw, you’ve got to be kidding me, mixed up nerve endings. Even if I don’t know what happens next, even if I don’t have a master plan or even a plan b I have honesty. I have a place to start from.

swept up


In the movie Young Victoria
I watched this a few days ago and I was completely inspired by Queen Victoria’s story. I fell in love with it actually…with all of it…the movie, the story, Emily Blunt, all of it.

11 thoughts on “honestly

  1. Linda Sue

    When my son was four, my husband distant at best, energy spent- I could not stop crying even when I was just doing normal everyday activities- no control. Tears just poured out of my face- could not pin point it.Went in, got a scrip for anti depressants and after three weeks of hell got back on track. My friend goes through this sort of trauma seasonally- like winter , spring, summer and fall!She tries to work it out herself, by herself, and ends up making herself even crazier- it just happens- could be menopause- hormones- or just the way the breeze blows, but I do know for sure, it is no fun and I empathize with you.Sometimes we can blame the planets- mercury particularly- sometimes we can say it is Ju-Ju or the tilting of the earth…whatever, I hope that you find some relief soon- sooner the better- even if it is just another illusion. LOVE!

  2. Intense Guy

    I hope you find your answers soon.

    Some of us are more in tune with what is going on around us – and perhaps your long stay at the hospital with the battles to be conscious has heightened your perceptions – and those ghosty, unsolid things in the peripheral edges are bothering you…

    Totally aside, Queen Victoria was quite a person and lived quite a life.

  3. Anonymous

    Good for you for having honesty and being able to recognize it…you are light years from where I am 🙁

  4. Mar

    love you, love you, love you! go heidi, go!!!!! i KNOW you can do it! thanks for time & thanks for YOU!

  5. bernthis

    well you know that I have been there. Too many times. Getting really real, down to the deep part is very painful, scary and most of all brave.
    I busted my ass after my divorce to find myself and it was worth every second.

    big big hugs

  6. curious girl (lisa)

    honesty is the best thing to have, raw as it is. sometimes it feels like we shed our skins (slowly!) and the process can be painful and confusing. but it's transitioning into the next good thing.

  7. Kate Coveny Hood

    This is so hard for me… I already have some intimacy issues (a label I've only recently realized to be exactly right) and I would much rather just float in the ether of lalalala land than bare my soul to anyone.

    Sometimes I think I would have made a great upper East Side WASP who sits with her husband drinking cocktails and vacuously chatting about what people wore to the last gala as he only vaguely listens while reading some tome of an historical biography. When I'm in the thick of the everyday drama, this little scene sounds so peaceful.

    Life can be hard and exhausting – and it's magnified by being honest about feelings. But I guess it's necessary if you want to be truly happy. So I do my best and try not to escape into my happy place as much as I would like.

    And at the end of the day – the kids keep you real. Because I could never resist their pull. All walls come down for them.

  8. Live More Now

    Oh. Goodness. I can so relate.

    There are times when I don't even know where all the crying comes from. Like I am attached to a wellspring in the earth. It really can be ridiculous. And though we've had much different experiences in life, like you, I want to know where it is coming from.

    And where I am arriving is that sometimes it is okay not to know. Because I can't accept that I'm crazy! 🙂

    And then an acquaintance told me the other day that I am an old soul. And though I've known it, it reminded me of why I feel things so deeply and so strongly and sometimes without reason. And that is okay. I would rather feel it than not. But like you, sometimes it is a lot to deal with and wonder about and have on the mind.

    Thank you for writing what and as you do. 🙂 I hope your journey takes you somewhere very interesting.

  9. Christy

    Just wanted to chime in that though I'm not commenting in a timely matter I'm reading and thinking of you… Hope you're feelingbetter and have a great weekend!

  10. Suz Broughton

    I'm so glad you have girlfriends that you can talk to..or cry to. I have those as well. The kind you don't have to compose yourself before you call. That Scott's a good listener too. All good stuff.

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